The Karmy Diaries
by walkthatlonesomevalley
Summary: Karma and Amy try to deal with being apart for the first time in their lives.
1. Chapter 1

_*This is a collaborative project that was mostly written in tandem while blackindiaink and I were both drunk and drowning in karmy feels on the tumblr*_

 _*I'm taking Amy Raudenfeld's POV in this*_

 _*Blackindiaink is taking Karma Ashcroft's POV*_

 **The Karmy Diaries**

 **Chapter One**

 **Amy's POV**

Entry 1,

Leaving Karma was probably the smartest thing I've done all year. What the hell did I think I was doing? Faking it again was so stupid and then all the stuff with Reagan was a disaster. I haven't been me and that scares me.

Sometimes I wonder how long it's been and then I think of Lauren and my mom and I know I've always been me just a little bit different…

Paloma said we've already driven 230 miles…

I've only been away from Karma for a few hours but I already feel like I'm lost. How does she do that to me? It's like I crave her so much and in so many different ways and she's got me in a place where I can't even tell her.

That kiss…

That kiss was…

It was something I never expected to feel again. A gift and a curse. After Reagan and faking it again I told myself I wouldn't dream of Karma like that but it got to be so hard. She was everywhere and I couldn't get away.

Right when I was wishing she could love me again she kissed me like I meant something more, like she needed me to be touching her, needed me more.

Just like I said… A gift and a curse.

Reagan was right.

I need to push Karma out. At least for a little while…


	2. Chapter 2

*karma's pov is fully written by blackindiaink*

 **Chapter Two**

 **Karma's POV**

Day One…

She wasn't lying. She really left and I'm here trying to figure out what happened, how it all went straight to wrong. I don't remember but they say it happened. I wish I did, I wish I had that memory of Amy's kiss again. Maybe it did mean something.

Not remembering was probably what mattered more. Did I block it out? She's my soul mate. Could this entire lie have been the truth all along and she was the one that saw it when I couldn't.

I felt something when we kissed during the threesome but I didn't let it mean more than I wanted it to. I'm so lost in my head game. I feel like leaving, finding her, but I don't know why I can't.

Maybe she needs to forget me. I'm an idiot. I love her. I just don't know how. Is it more than friends? Yes. I know it is. I just don't know WHAT it is. I just wish she would answer my call.


	3. Chapter 3

*Amy's POV written by me*

 **Chapter Three**

 **Amy's POV**

Entry 2,

It's night again. We're staying at a cheap motel in the middle of nowhere called "The Starlight." It has this crazy pastel sign. I couldn't stop taking pictures of it, the way it seemed to disappear into the impossibly dark sky and spread strange light up into the air. Half the girls are still awake. All I want to do is find a quiet place and stay there for days. I just want not to move. I want it to be okay for me to just stay somewhere, like this shit hotel, all alone. All I want is to disappear. Disappearing from Karma definitely isn't enough.

I play the kiss over and over in my mind.

That look on her face. The feeling of my heart racing. The feeling of Karma pulling me in and taking from me even more.

I keep playing it over. I keep feeling it. Sometimes I can see the way people stare. Even they can see. I live in that kiss. I know she felt something. I know she did. So either she's lying or she really did block it all out. Both of those options are too shitty for me to want to think about.

Luckily tomorrow we have a gig and I can shoot.

I need a distraction.


	4. Chapter 4

*Karma's POV written fully by Blackindiaink*

 **Chapter Four**

 **Karma's POV**

Day three…

She won't call. She won't answer. I'm left with a vacant memory of something that's been described to me. I can almost feel it, the ghost of her falling into me, the moment I let go.

I want it. If she were here I'd try, I'd kiss her to see. No promises just trying to find the truth behind the layers of stage. I act and then think, feel and then come to grips with all that I've done.

I just need her to know that I want to feel it. If I could touch her I could. My Amy, she's out there somewhere probably trying to not think about me. If she forgets I won't. Sometimes I decide to try to find her. Following into the desert. I'd die happy there if I were looking for the real reasons.

Love, it comes in so many forms and we put so many names to it but there's a pure light that we taint with the labels of our minds. I want her to know that our love is something that I don't want to taint. Yet, to have it I guess I have to figure out if I can put an earthly label on how I feel.


	5. Chapter 5

*Amy's POV written by me*

 **Chapter Five**

 **Amy's POV**

Entry 3,

Right before the gig I made the stupid mistake of checking my messages. Karma sounded so sure about us. She always sounds that way. When she talks like that it's impossible not to want to be in love with her like I am.

I seriously cried. Like a stupid idiot, just out the backdoor of this first not so promising venue, this dive bar called The Hive, I held my phone to my ear and heard that familiar crack in Karma's voice the crack right before the gasp that collapsed my heart, and I cried.

I felt my hand squeeze hard on my phone as if my phone could just somehow become a sponge, as if I could tear it apart or at least shrink it into nonexistence. Only thing I succeeded in doing was hurting myself.

I had another message so I listened. I'd gotten a call from an unknown number around 3 and assumed it'd be Karma trying her best. It was Felix though, of all people. He was super sweet and I laughed through tears. He fixed me up just enough to get me through our first show.

But now it's late and I'm in a different cheap hotel and I know that this is what this summer is going to be like. It's going to be tears all alone on the dirt and laughter that makes next to no sense, all alone. It's going to be me huddled up on the floor in a thick blanket feeling sad.

I've already snuck away twice to hear Karma again.

I'm fucking weak for her… Even here…

Her voice is like honey. Her words are like magic.

My breath leaves me every time I hear that crack…

I want her…

Even from here…


	6. Chapter 6

*Karma's POV fully written by Blackindiaink*

 **Chapter Six**

 **Karma's POV**

Day five….

This is the message I just left:

"Amy, I know you probably don't care and you don't want to hear it I need to tell you what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling really. Tell me where you are. I'll try to come. I need to talk to you, see you, to say this. I don't want to wait until you come back because I'm afraid that it'll be too late, that you'll forget me. Liam of all people made me think that maybe I'm missing something important but I need to ask you something. If I know this, I can try. Just call me, please."

I want to try to be what she needs but I'm scared. All the ways it can go wrong, all the bad it could cause. I could break us forever. I guess it's not much worse than what's happening now though. If she comes back and we're friends again it won't be the same.

There will always be this thing between us. Me being too blind to see. I think maybe if I'm with her, if I kiss her, then I can see if it's just all in my mind or if I really do feel the things that I think I do.

My view of love and romance has always been out of a song or a story. I don't think it's like that anymore though. Two years of chasing it and I've only succeeded in making everything more confused. I know that's what being a teenager is supposed to be like but what if Amy and I transcend teenage love. We are forever but we could be true love?


	7. Chapter 7

*Amy's POV is written by me*

 **Chapter Seven**

 **Amy's POV**

Entry 4,

I did a great job yesterday. But yesterday Karma left me alone.

We drove a lot of the day and Paloma even let me drive for a little while on a long stretch of road that literally never had anything close to a turn or a bend.

But now it's 3am. My phone just beeped and I had to quietly remain calm while listening to Karma's shaky voice while she delivered a definitely dire message that definitely did not sit well with me, especially given the time.

" _ **I know you probably don't care."**_ She said that.

" _ **I'm afraid that I'll be too late, that you'll forget me."**_ She said that fucking to.

IS SHE FUCKING SERIOUS?!

I want call. I do.

I want to call so fucking bad it makes my skin crawl.

But I can't.

I can't call.


	8. Chapter 8

_*Karma's POV fully written by Blackindiaink*_

 **Chapter Eight**

 **Karma's POV**

Day six…

She still hasn't called or texted. The silence is haunting me. I asked Lauren if I could come over and just go in her room. I told her that I left something there and I needed to get it. The truth is that I wanted to be somewhere that her presence still lingered.

When I got to her room, I lay down on the bed and thought of every time we'd been here together. That dream that I had. The one where I woke up in the middle of making out with her. I'd put it off as some weird aberration. Now, I lived in the shadow of it.

It stood in place of the kiss I couldn't remember. Still, that need is there to see if it's real. I feel phantom heart syndrome. Dramatic? Probably but, dear diary, have you met me?

I'm going to call her one more time.

"Amy, I know you're there somewhere. Just give me some kind of sign. I don't care what it is. Tell me that you're still thinking about me. I'm so confused and I need you. I'm selfish. I need to let you go but I had to try one more time. I need to know that you're okay."


	9. Chapter 9

_*Amy's POV is written by me*_

 **Chapter Nine**

 **Amy's POV**

Entry 5,

Okay… I'm an asshole. It's official.

Yes, we need space. But how much space do we really need? What hurt could a call do?

At least that's what I thought before I called.

I'm smart at least and I waited. I knew what my best bet would be. Karma's family loved watching Jeopardy together downstairs on their couch. It was a weekday and Karma couldn't stand Wheel-of-Fortune.

I knew her patterns too well so I waited. I knew I'd only have a few minutes before one of the girls came to make me get in the van and head off to the cafe where they were playing. I didn't have to go to all the shows if I didn't want to but it was nice to experiment. My pages were already getting hits online. The band was more popular than I thought they'd be and that was at the very least good.

I pushed on Karma's name around 7:11pm.

I hoped and prayed she wouldn't pick up and when her voice came on the voicemail I felt giddy and my heart jumped. It wasn't until the beep that I got confused and I realized that I was actually going to have to speak.

"Karma… Hi," I sighed, my air leaving me. Just thinking about talking to her was debilitating. There was already way too much empty space in that message when I opened my mouth up again. "We're somewhere or… Nowhere," I laughed. "Actually I don't even remember the name of the town but.. Look…" I ran a hand through my hair and paced the space near the rail that looked down on the silly shaped pool where three people were enjoying their time. "Don't ever think I could forget you or that I don't care what you think." I swallowed hard. It was just like me to still be stuck on a few days ago instead of the message she'd just left. "Karma, no matter what happens this summer I love you and I'll always love you, okay?" I could feel the tears biting at my eyes. "I just. I need for us to be on a break and I know that sounds stupid. It was Reagan's idea and she seemed pretty over me when I saw her so… Look, can you just, can you just pretend this isn't about us and that it's more about me and my problems? You don't need to be thinking this is all about you. I just. I can't talk to you right now, sweetie, okay? I can't. I really can't. Even this message. Even this message is breaking me, okay?" Aaaaand I was full-on crying by now like an idiot, so typical, I wanted to die. I looked down at the pool and squinted through watery eyes. I noticed as my vision blurred and frustrated me. "It's just too hard okay? That kiss. I mean, I was sure you were feeling things and I can't stop thinking about it and-"

Her phone beeped. Like a shot to the heart.

The robotic lady came on to let me know I was out of time.

I felt my hand fall down to my side.

I turned to the rail and leaned on it with both hands. I let my head dip down inbetween my arms so that I could try to collect myself and breathe.

I watched my tears make small temporary stains on the beige bumpy ground.

She'd get that message and she'd freak.

But that _**was**_ all I could do. Calling back was too risky. And I'd already said too much.

It'd been less than a week and I was still back with her somehow, still stuck back in that pool like that kiss had just fucking happened again.

I wanted to scream.


	10. Chapter 10

_*Karma's POV written by Blackindiaink*_

 **Chapter Ten**

 **Karma's POV**

Day… I don't even know anymore…

The message. She called me. I guess I should just be happy that she called at all. I should ignore that she did it when she knew I wouldn't have my phone. I'd given up on hearing from her and then this.

This long message of her telling me that she couldn't talk to me. It was probably just because she wanted me to know those few things that she could tell me. She would always love me. That kiss. It was all coming back to that kiss.

Maybe texting would be easier. She could text while they were out doing whatever it was they were doing. So, of course I get out my phone and try to write something that she'd actually respond to right now.

 _I am feeling things, but I can't figure them out if you're not talking to me. I understand if you need to not talk to me but I need to make sure you get what I'm saying. I may not remember the kiss but I do remember one. It actually didn't happen. I dreamed it. I had a dream months ago that I was kissing you and I ignored it. Probably why I kissed you in the pool. I can't tell you that the pool kiss meant something but I can tell you that the one that made me run out of the threesome did and the one that I dreamed did._

She probably won't answer. There are other people, other things distracting her now. I'm just afraid she'll come back and nothing will ever be right. She says she won't forget me and that she won't stop loving me but time changes all that. That's why I keep trying when she tells me not to.


	11. Chapter 11

_*Amy's POV written by me*_

 **Chapter Eleven**

 **Amy's POV**

Entry 6

I'm an idiot and I purposely left my phone in the hotel room tonight.

I can't even begin to think of Karma just waiting and waiting and waiting for me to text back. Okay, I can obviously think of it and I feel SO FUCKING GUILTY RIGHT NOW!

AND WHAT THE FUCK DOES IT MEAN?!

She's feeling things?

SHE'S FEELING THINGS?!

FEELING WHAT?!

WHAT?!

I don't even know where I am. I just got home and I'm buzzed and my phone is almost dead and I can't find my charger and I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE THE FUCK I AM!

One of the girls pushed me down onto the floor because they said I was making them nervous. So I'm writing. I'm writing next to my nearly dead phone.

My phone, my only link to her, and it's almost dead.

What the hell am I supposed to do?

She dreamed about me? Karma did?!

Karma dreamed about kissing me?!

I am so fucking confused right now.

I should not have let them give me drinks tonight.

My head is spinning.

Hold on…

I crawled over to Mariah's outlet and laid down flat on the floor taking up a ridiculous amount of space and making everyone laugh and kicking Angela's shoes away from me.

Mariah said I was embarrassing and I told her to shut the fuck up. I like that I can just say stupid shit to these girls and they actually like me for it instead of getting upset.

I plugged my phone in and waited a second.

Writing in here is helping but I'm still fidgety.

Okay, I'm gonna do it.

I text her what I was feeling:

" _ **I left my phone in the room and I feel like such an asshole."**_

I waited a few beats before texting again.

" _ **What is it about me that makes you not want to feel?"**_

I waited another second and then tried to cover my ass 'cause I'm a coward.

" _ **I've been drinking. It's not an excuse but still. Please fucking answer me tonight. I can't believe you kept this all from me."**_

I guess I didn't need my charger at all. I set the phone down and waited for a response but I knew that for Karma this one would most definitely be tough to answer and hard to take in.

I just. I'm so sick of censoring myself and pretending I'm not hurting all the fucking time.

I know she isn't meaning to but she is always fucking torturing me. That kiss was just. It was an assault.

She felt something and I knew she felt it.

The very next day? All I wanted to do was get to her but when I did she didn't even remember.

I sat up with Shane and tried to find a way to not be happy but that didn't work because I knew what my Karma had felt.

Then she opened her mouth and reminded me that her brain is just so much different than mine. Sometimes it just feels like she's trying to push me away…


	12. Chapter 12

_*Karma's POV written by Blackindiaink*_

 **Chapter Twelve**

 **Karma's POV**

Day seven…

I waited for her to text back all day and all night but nothing. I kept the phone on me all the time. Every second. Last time I missed a call and now I was not going to miss anything else.

Liam called and for a second I thought it was Amy but it wasn't her ringtone. I told him that I couldn't talk because he didn't want to hear how confused I am. He wouldn't want to know that when I was with him, I was dreaming about Amy.

What do I do when Amy isn't texting me? I make an emergency playlist. Any lyrics I can find to help me figure this out…

 **And I never was smart with love**

 **I let the bad ones in and the good ones go**

 **I'm gonna love you like I've never been hurt before**

 **I'm gonna love you like I'm indestructible**

My parents can tell there's something wrong and Mom tried to get me to go to some event with her but I really just want to stop obsessing over my phone but I can't because I haven't heard from Amy.

.— AND FINALLY She texted me, three things in a row. My heart nearly exploded with the first text came through. Then she started to tell me that she had been drinking. She's trying to cover her ass like she doesn't understand how well I know her.

My text back:

 _It's not about you. It's about us. We've been best friends for forever and I just think that I confused what I wanted with what was true. If I wanted you, then things would change and I might lose you because I'm not good enough._


	13. Chapter 13

_*Amy's POV written by me*_

 **Chapter Thirteen**

 **Amy's POV  
**

Entry 6 continued…

Is she lying?

Is she lying to me?

Is she that desperate to get me back to her side that she would lie about something this fucking serious?

I mean… I don't want to think that she would lie.

That text was…

Karma…

Fuck.

I honestly hate living like this. Every day feels like a test. Every time she calls or texts I have to ask myself if she really knows what she's doing to me and I honestly don't think she does.

That's why I left. That's why I had to leave.

That's why we shouldn't be talking about these things at 3am while I'm drinking and she's sober.

Goddammit.

But she's sober…

These are honest words and she is honestly saying them while she is sober.

I don't think I've ever wanted to hear her voice so bad in my entire life.

And then it hit me.

Her text.

What she said.

" _ **I just think that I confused what I wanted with what was true."**_

My heart dropped.

I could feel it pounding hard into the cheap carpet of the 2nd story hotel floor.

I text back:

" _ **Why wouldn't you want me?"**_

And I felt that deafening silence. That silence that tore me in two.


	14. Chapter 14

_*Karma's POV written by Blackindiaink*_

 **Chapter Fourteen**

 **Karma's POV**

Day seven cotd…

Her text back made me cringe. Again, once again, I was the worst best friend ever not to mention the worst person to be in love with. I tried to think of how to say this so it was clear. This is what I sent:

 _That's it. I do want you. I just didn't know that you were what I really wanted. I thought it was supposed to be the stupid John Hughes fairy tale. Hottest guy meets unpopular but hot girl, they fall in love, the end. I didn't know that it was best friend fakes being in love with best friend only to find out they really do love best friend that way and other stupid best friend doesn't realize that she might feel the same way until she's completely alienated and pushed away best friend._

So, now I'm sitting here waiting. I don't want to tell her that I'm sure about all of this because I'm not. I could just be fooling myself but I couldn't just sit here and let her drive off into the sunset with a car load of potential girlfriends.

I wish there was somewhere that we could go and just be the two of us. If that could happen I think we could figure out where we stand and if my subconscious girl lust is real.


	15. Chapter 15

_*Amy's POV written by me*_

 **Chapter Fifteen**

 **Amy's POV**

Entry 6 continued…

I don't even know what to say.

I'm so exhausted. She is exhausting me.

She doesn't even know it too which is the worst of it.

I think about the messages she's been sending me and the voice-mails and I just know that something's going on and it isn't just that I left. She has been feeling things and denying things but does that even make it okay for her to ask me to see her right now?

That kiss. It all leads back to that stupid, life-altering, kiss.

I say it's stupid because it has obviously confused us both to the point of separating us and splitting us in two.

Shit.

Mariah took my phone but I got it back.

She read all my messages and Paloma text Karma back:

" _ **We'll be in NOLA tomorrow at the Bienville House Hotel. If you really care. Come."**_

I yelled at them but they all just laughed.

When I asked if we'd really be there they just said: _**"you will!"**_

I took my phone back but there was nothing else to think about, they'd made my mind up for me. They'd done what I most likely would NOT have done.

I was supposed to stay away from her but I knew, with that text, Karma was coming for me.


	16. Chapter 16

_*Karma's POV written by Blackindiaink*_

 **Chapter Sixteen**

 **Karma's POV**

Day eight…

I got to the text. I knew it wasn't from Amy. Someone was giving me a chance and now I just had to get to New Orleans in time.

— So, I'm flying. Liam got me on his family's jet somehow. He's helping me, he and Shane. I don't know what made them decide to do it but I'm glad. I'm going to see Amy in a few hours and I don't know what I'm going to say or do. I made the guys promise not to come in.

— This flight feels like forever and I'm dying. What if I see her and I freeze up again.

— So, we're landing and I'm trying not to freak. What if she says she's not willing to try?

— I'm at the hotel, waiting. What if she doesn't show up and this is a trick. Amy wouldn't do that but Reagan… I don't know.

— She's here. She came and I couldn't talk for an entire thirty seconds when I saw her. I just hugged her and wouldn't let go. Then, I made her sit down with me and I told her that I didn't know what this was or what we were going to do but I needed to see her and I needed to know. We went to the room and everyone had cleared out. So, I told her that I needed to kiss her.

She wasn't sure that was a good idea at first but I just went for it. It was like the dream, except we were sitting down and it was real. We're real. It's not like I thought it would be though. I wanted to do it again. I wanted to full on make out with her so I did. I'm not sure how to feel about that.

Part of me is still scared that I'm making these feelings up so I don't lose my best friend but the only thing I can do is follow my heart and right now it's leading me straight to Amy.


	17. Chapter 17

_*Amy's POV written by me*_

 **Chapter Seventeen**

 **Amy's POV**

Entry 7,

We got to NOLA early in the day, we definitely weren't far away.

The gang got a cheap motel that was honestly the ugliest place we had stayed in so far.

Paloma and Mariah made me get into the van. They said we had to get breakfast but when they parked we were in front of a very interesting looking hotel.

I read the plaque and knew.

"You guys…" I'd said, blushing.

"Come on, if you wanna win her you gotta treat 'er."

It was the sweetest fucking thing. Paloma is 100% straight and Mariah dated Reagan for a little bit before they decided they were too much alike in temperament and split up so now she was single and loving it.

I will admit, thinking about Mariah and Reagan really drove me insane whenever I got an off-chance to STOP thinking about Karma and think of ANYTHING else.

But yeah, the girls sprung for my room at this fancy French Quarter hotel. The dropped me off and told me to stay and wait for her. They even gave me $20 so I could eat in the diner across the street and get ready, not that I even needed money there were just rolling in it all of a sudden and loving every minute of it. The cheap hotels we stayed in were mostly for fun and the experience.

In truth there was no way to prepare myself for whatever was going to happen. I had no way of knowing what Karma wanted to say or do or be. I was back to a week ago. Again, I was ready to be her happy little puppy.

I waited and paced. The lobby was insane and I read up online about how the place was haunted.

By the time Karma showed up I was completely immersed in history but she pulled me right out of it.

She walked into the lobby all slow. She was dressed up all fancy like she'd been up all night and then hopped right onto a plane. I knew that no obstacle could stop her from getting to me.

I saw her see me and stop. All I could feel was her, it didn't matter how surrounded I was by history and foreign things. I felt her pulling me in with her eyes. I felt her close, even from all the way across the room. No matter where we were or how much distance there was between us we always somehow felt intimate.

All of a sudden, I didn't feel so much like her puppy, I felt something else because the way she looked at me spoke volumes and enchanted me all over again.

"You came," I remembered saying as I walked towards her and invited her in for a hug.

"Of course I came," she said as she pulled me into the most intense hug I had ever felt from her ever. It was like she didn't want to let go, not ever. It was a hug that I would give her if she was ever in an accident or I was ever worried that she might be dying.

It was intense.

Not sure how it happened but at one point she had gotten me to sit down in the crazy chairs in the lobby.

We talked but only briefly. I tried to make some jokes about how funny it was that we were both in NOLA but Karma wasn't interested in anything that was not 100% real and about us so she brushed off my jokes and asked me about the room and how I got there.

I was only halfway into telling her about the room and handing her the key when she grabbed my hand and led me to stand. She was impatient and I didn't know why. I didn't even know why she needed to be close. Lately, I never knew what she was thinking.

The room was nice, too nice. The motels and hotels we had been staying in as a crew were all big freaking messes. It was just like in all those books and movies where the bands that tour end up seeming nearly homeless and staying most of their nights in their van. The girls were definitely romanticizing that type of life and reaching for it.

This place was special though, it was obviously better. We walked down the hall and moved past several unfamiliar people who were laughing and dressed for trouble, it was hard not to stare.

Karma pulled me into our room and I felt my heart stir as the butterflies in my stomach flurried and I looked at her maybe for the first time since she'd been honest with me and said all that she'd said.

"Why'd you come here Karma?" I didn't mean it to sound harsh but all of a sudden we were there.

I sat down to try and make distance but she came close to me. Distance wasn't something she desired.

"I had to see you," she said, walking close to me and bridging the gap. She sat down next to me and waited.

I felt as she took one of my hinds in hers and then the other.

With a certainty I wasn't prepared for the way in which she looked up at me and searched my eyes for emotions and consent and things I could never be aware of.

"Can I kiss you?" She asked. "I need to kiss you."

"Yeah," I said, trying to show certainty while I knew that I was failing. I answered her and instantly softened.

I definitely wasn't expecting her to ask that question.

She paused a second and breathed in shakily. She had seemed desperate when she asked. She seemed like if I had said no she may have just decided to end her life. It was so dramatic somehow even though neither of us decided to move.

I didn't want her to kiss me if it was just to prove that she had no feelings. I could do without a kiss like that. I could do without disappointing her even more.

But what she did was different.

"I missed you," she said, as she took a hand to my cheek and looked into me actually seeing inside. With her hand on my cheek and her eyes on mine and the thought of a kiss coming close, I froze, the hair on the back of my neck standing up as goosebumps covered me.

I felt stuck and then her lips were on mine.

She was kissing me and I was shocked. It was just like in the pool only this time Karma was obviously sober.

I felt the taste as she traveled from my tongue and down into my mouth. It seemed she swam threw me like liquid. I felt her travel through my veils and stretch into every part of me. The feeling of her, it was pervasive, it was thorough. I drank her in, needing more.

Mostly, I felt myself weak at the source. She was kissing me and I was falling into her, trapped by her loveliness and her delicate care. I felt my body losing strength and control. I felt her sweetly poisoning me and making me to be achy and strange.

She leaned into me when she kissed and I placed a hand on her chest feeling the space over her heart that was pounding fast and obviously effected.

I felt myself hum then, right into her mouth. I was giving in to her and feeling needed. I felt her hands grope at me and pull me close. I felt a need in her that matched that need during the threesome and that need way back in the pool when she was only halfway drunk.

She was needing me. She was wanting me. These weren't things she seemed to be confused about but still I was scared.


	18. Chapter 18

_*Karma's POV written by Blackindiaink*_

 **Chapter Eighteen**

 **Karma's POV**

Day eight…

Well, that question got answered. I feel it. As soon as we kissed there was no more denying. I wasn't that big of an idiot. To come all this way and to take a chance. Amy probably really wanted to move on but I hope she doesn't now.

I don't want to jump into anything though. This has been so long and complicated. I think we need to talk about it every step of the way. It's very un-Karma and Amy like, but maybe that's growing up.

Seeing where this goes is necessary because what if it's the best thing ever and we get together for real and it's never over? There's a chance one of us will get our hearts broken but that's nothing new. Just I don't know if I could take getting it broken by Amy.

What if one day she wakes up and realized that this isn't what she expected. That she doesn't really love me that way anymore… that would destroy me.

We fell asleep in each other's arms after an intense make out session. It almost went places that I wasn't ready for but Amy stopped it. She could tell that it wasn't right yet. Then we just fell asleep like so many other times and I realized that we were always in some kind of relationship that was beyond what normal definitions call friendship. I just didn't realize that other friends don't really do those things like we did.

Turns out I've always felt that way about Amy. I just didn't know how to translate that relationship to real life. Everything I always thought about loving someone and being romantic with them is now upside down. I love Amy Raudenfeld in so many different ways that it hurts.

She's sleeping and I just want to kiss her. So, I think I will. Maybe she won't mind me waking her up that way.


	19. Chapter 19

_*Amy's POV written by me*_

 **Chapter Nineteen**

 **Amy's POV**

Entry 7 continued…

Things are… Different…

But in a good way. A reeeeally good way.

I can't help but think she's just trying to make me happy and that scares me A LOT. All that time we had before I was sure she was feeling things and she was sure that she wasn't.

What changed?

I woke up to her lips on mine, her eyes watching me and cherishing me. I woke to her hand stroking my cheek. I woke to her petting me.

All of a sudden we were stuck in this situation, this cocoon.

I took her hand in mine and held it.

I searched her eyes and wondered: _**is this real?**_

Then I sighed and let myself breathe, knowing full well that she was watching me.

" _ **Is this okay?"**_ __She asked.

" _ **Yeah,"**_ I said. _**"It's just…"**_ Scary.

" _ **Scary,"**_ she finished.

I looked up at her again and saw that it was real. She felt the same.

The look she gave me was more than validation, it was concurrence, adoration. As with everything else, she was trusting me here.

She leaned in and kissed me, taking care to be slow and show love.

I felt her breath hitch as she pulled me forward with a hand at my neck, fingers wrapping around and brushing the back of my head, tangling quick right into my hair and pulling at me to come into her and become part of her even more.

Things were fast somehow. These things…

When she kissed me like that I lost myself in her…

I love her…


	20. Chapter 20

_*Karma's POV written by Blackindiaink*_

 **Chapter Twenty**

 **Karma's POV**

Day nine…

We just spent the day together. It was like all the times before and not like them. Some new version of us. I was thinking about every time I touched her but only because it felt nice and I noticed the way she reciprocated.

I was always usually the one to initiate contact when we were just friends. Amy did when we were alone but in public it was usually me. I feel different now. It's like we're new. Never like this before but always like this in another life.

I"m not saying I understand what's going on. We haven't talked about it. We're both afraid to break the spell. I have to go home soon though. Tomorrow, I have to get back but tonight we're going to the show.

I just know that when she kisses me now I feel like I'm having a heart attack but the good kind. It's coming home and travelling the world all at the same time. We are soulmates. In every sense of the term.

….

So, it was weird to be with Amy around her ex. That's what I'm calling her. I don't want to write it all out but I felt a strange sense of satisfaction when she had to acknowledge us. It was petty and I'm not proud of it but I'm too happy to punish myself right now.

Amy's taking a shower right now and I'm just sitting here wondering if we're going to… do it. I have to go tomorrow and I told her that. Maybe I should just tell her that I'm ready. I guess we'll see because she's coming.


	21. Chapter 21

_*Amy's POV written by me*_

 **Chapter Twenty One**

 **Amy's POV**

Entry 8,

I don't even know where to start. I kind of just want to laugh? Is that bad?

When things get seriously awkward I'm not good at processing them. I can pretend, sure. But things definitely got awkward tonight and I am just so confused right now given everything.

Being with Karma today has been some sort of fever-dream. It's like I'm dreaming but I'm not. She's here and I'm just, I dunno, I guess I'm not sure this is real? Is that bad?

It is bad… I know… It feels like any second now she could turn around and laugh and say: _**JUST KIDDING!**_

Not that she would… She hasn't said that in a long time actually. And this is obviously different, it is.

But we faked it for so long and we faked it again and every time it never felt to me like she was faking a thing. And now we're here in New Orleans walking around the French Quarter and pretending we didn't just completely change everything about what it means to be us. She touches me and it feels like before. I have all these memories that feel so real and everything's connected and I'm just really not good at this, I'm really not good.

She's asleep right now. We had to talk, _**a lot.**_

Apparently Karma was thinking we were going to have sex tonight.

I can't even begin with this.

I'm honestly so fucked up in the head right now and that's just really not me. I generally strive to NOT be fucked up in the head, which is sort of why I tried to run away from this, but for Karma I'll change and for Karma I'll look at every small minute detail and over-analyze it from here to Krakatoa if that's what she needs, I mean, I love her, she's always been mine and I've always been hers. It's just so complicated right now.

I didn't expect for things to be perfect all day. I didn't expect to let myself get lost again. And I definitely didn't expect fucking Reagan to swoop in and start acting territorial. Like, I'm not mad at either of them but what happened was obviously about their relationship, not mine.

Reagan's worried. And I get it.

She pulled me into the bathroom between sets and dragged me into a stall and started whispering to me about how I better be sure.

I didn't even know what to say. Reagan and I hadn't been that close in so long and when I went to her for help it was obvious she was probably never really in love with me. I dunno… I guess that's harsh? I just can't see why she would break up with me just because of my sexuality, I dunno… Lately nothing makes sense.

When Karma came into the bathroom to check on us and found us both in the same stall she was a little perturbed but I could tell she wasn't thinking anything crazy about us.

The rest of the night was like a pissing contest.

All of a sudden I was the damsel and Reagan and Karma were my knights. Only it wasn't that great because they were both using me to get to each other and I just wanted to stop playing games, I'm just so sick of playing games.

And then we got back to the room and Karma nearly jumped me. It was just so…

Ugg…

And she leaves tomorrow. She'll be gone.

I just know that as soon as she leaves I am going to be so confused.

I mean, yeah, we could've slept together here but something tells me she's really not ready. And I know she rushed with Liam and I know she's had a lot of sex and so have I by now but still… This just doesn't feel like the right time.

Am I an asshole?

I sure feel like one…

I dunno…


	22. Chapter 22

_*Karma's POV written by Blackindiaink*_

 **Chapter Twenty-Two**

 **Karma's POV**

That night…

I'm sitting in the bathroom because she just turned me down. My best friend who is in love with me doesn't' want to have sex with me. She's trying to get me to come out but I locked the door and I can't go out there again. I'm humiliated.

When we got back from dinner I practically threw myself at her and she just let it go until I was unbuttoning her jeans and then her hands went to mine and she said, "Stop."

I just looked at her and I couldn't. This is why I was afraid. She doesn't want me like that anymore. I caught her in that stall with Reagan last night and I knew nothing was really going on but what if she got inside Amy's head.

Amy's still banging on the door so I guess I better go talk to her. Even if she tells me that she can't be with me I'll have to be okay with it.

….

She wants me to think about it but I've already done that. All the way here I wondered what it would be like and if I could make her happy. Mentally I'm ready and she doesn't seem to think so. Maybe she's not ready?

Maybe I need to prove to her that I am. I can wait. I just don't want her to move on to someone else. Not after we've been like this. Not after I know what it could be like. So, I'm going to say this. I decided.

"Please, I want to try this. You and me. I want to be with you. I know it's probably hard for you to believe but ever since I got here it's been like it's supposed to be and I want you. I really do and I'm ready but I'll wait until you think it's right. Just please don't do anything with … anyone."

Is that selfish? Probably. Maybe I shouldn't say the last part.


	23. Chapter 23

_*Amy's POV written by me*_

 **Chapter Twenty-Three**

 **Amy's POV**

Entry 9,

Today was the worst.

At first it was the best. At first I woke to Karma again. I woke to Karma staring at me and petting me. I felt her soft thumb stroking my cheek. I woke to those soft honest eyes searching mine and hoping with all hope that whatever this is we can survive it and move on.

"How long have you been awake?" I asked.

"Not long enough," she said and I knew what that meant, I knew exactly what that meant. She didn't want to go and I didn't want her to either.

"Can't you just stay?" I asked. I felt helpless.

I knew it was cruel. It wasn't right to ask her to stay when she wanted to work to help her family. I suddenly felt like such an asshole right then. Why wasn't I helping her? Why had I run when I knew about all the things that she was dealing with? I was being such a shit friend.

The kiss obviously crossed a line but Karma was my entire fucking life and I seriously just left her.

I knew right then how messed up it was, how wrong I had been, how much better she actually deserved.

"I can't," she said. Despite meaning to she brought me back to that very last day when she swung in front of the van and made me face her. I suddenly got it, why she was so anxious and almost angry the night before. I didn't even discuss this with her, I just ran…

Sometimes I think I'm just like my dad…

Sometimes I hate myself…


	24. Chapter 24

_*Karma's POV written by Blackindiaink*_

 **Chapter Twenty-Four**

 **Karma's POV**

Day 10…

I got on the plane. I had to. My parents need me to come back and help and I don't think it would be good for me to be around Reagan for that long. She's not exactly my biggest fan and I don't want to make it harder for Amy by putting her in the middle.

Maybe she needs this time on her own. I told her how I felt and what I wanted and now I guess I just wait. She waited for me for a long time. It's my turn. I just hope she doesn't keep up the radio silence like it was before.

I couldn't take that. Her silence is what hurt the most. I want her to always talk to me even if she's mad and yelling. Sometimes she just doesn't though. Facing things is hard. I get that. I feel like I've faced a lot in the last year.

I always thought that we would do it all together. Still, I believe that we can get through anything. I just couldn't let her stay gone without knowing. If she comes back to me I'll know that I did the right thing.

Even if I'm totally scared that everything is going to change. If I see her as a… girlfriend… as well as my best friend… who do I go to when we fight? There is only one person in the entire world that I am 110% sure of and it's Amy. Risking losing that is the biggest leap I've ever taken.

I texted her when I landed.

 _Me: Hey, just touched down, I missed you the minute I got on the plane but I stopped crying half way through the flight. I'm glad no one was there to see it. Love you. Call me when you get a chance. xoxo_


	25. Chapter 25

_*Amy's POV written by me*_

 **Chapter Twenty-Five**

 **Amy's POV**

Entry 10,

I can't believe she actually left. I know it's selfish to be upset right now but it's all I can think. I feel irrational, like, really irrational. I keep thinking that it's not fair that she got to leave me again. Like this time was bad or something.

But then I remember that her life is in ruins. I remember that I'm the one being mean.

We've always been the kind of friends who helped each other through hard times. If my mom and I got kicked out of our house Karma would be the first one getting me a job and working with me to save. She'd give me everything. I know she would. And that thought makes me feel so broken. I feel like such a horrible person lately. It's hard to be happy about all that's happened.

I think I just got a little clouded. I dunno…

Reagan thinks I did the right thing but now I'm having all these conflicted feelings. The worst of which is the thought that Karma could've been faking it to get me back home. I know it's wrong to think that but she flew all the way out with the intention to sleep with me. Everything about that was rushed and strange.

I think I just need to talk to her more. But I can't be the one who goes to her. We're friends, that's true, but I can't be the best friend I used to be. Not right now anyway.

Does that make any sense?

I text Karma when I woke up yesterday from a long "fuck-my-life nap." She had text me after landing. When she talks I feel her. Even through text it felt like she had her hand on my chest just over my heart and her eyes drinking me in.

I thought about her text for a long time, thought about her up in that plane.

Then I felt like a complete asshole.

I was being a shit friend. This was a bad time for me to be a shit friend.

Of course Karma had to go back. Her family was on the brink of losing their house and she was working through the summer.

Without Liam she never would've come to see me. And I know she didn't put up money for that trip. Liam must've. Liam is helping her.

But I wasn't wrong to leave, right?

Reagan was really sweet last night. We were at this bar last night for a show and the lighting was amazing. I felt like I was inside a Tarantino film. Every picture I took came out great and the videos I shot of the band have already got way more hits than usual.

Anyway, after the show we stayed to watch the next two bands. I was out of it and really just staying for lack of a better distraction. Reagan introduced me to two of her old friends who she talked about while we were dating. The whole night totally blew me away. We all had so much to talk about and it was easy. They distracted me for a long time before Reagan started to see the wear on my face and the way I was staring off. I didn't drink all night so I had no excuse. I kept trying to say I was just tired but she knew it was Karma, she probably knew the first time she saw me today.

She took me out of there and got me a cab. And she rode with me back to the motel. Somewhere along the line she held my hand without word. She knew it was Karma.

"We're good together," I said, once I knew we were coming close to the motel.

"Naturally," she said back giving me a small smile.

"I wish we were still together," I teased.

She let go of my hand and took her hand away.

"I didn't break up with you _**just**_ because you were in love with her," Reagan said feeling bruised. She was looking out the window and feeling trapped and probably disappointed. I shouldn't have said it.

"It wasn't a one-sided thing, Amy. Crazy as she obviously is, she loves you. I couldn't compete with that. Don't have the strength…"

I let her words float inside the car and move around in the empty space. I felt them bumping into me, those words, over and over.

"Yeah well, if she loves me, she's doing it wrong," I said, turning from her too and looking out at NOLA as the car drove slowly past other things.

I felt Reagan's hand in mine again and turned to look down at our hands and then back at her. She was noticing me.

I heard her sigh. I unbuckled and move closer to her, hugging her side and laying my head on her shoulder.

"Bad timing," Reagan laughed. I felt her turn her head and rest her lips on my forehead as she sighed again, wrapping me up in her arms, and giving my forehead a kiss.

Sometimes, it occurred to me then, she treated me much like a child.

"You've got time with her still," she said. "If I were you I'd still be in it."

I wasn't sure much what she meant by that. In what? Was this a game? Was I supposed to know what was happening? So often my mom and Lauren would hear me talk about life and they would seem to know so much more about what was happening to me than I ever could.

I'm not stupid. I'm not a child.

Maybe I'm just too used to ignoring people?

I don't even know what to say about all this but that comment from Reagan and the way she treated me just reminded me again that I was most likely doing things wrong.

I wanted to ask her all sorts of questions but she was the wrong person to ask so I just stopped.

We passed the hotel and Reagan got us a room somewhere else. A room with two beds. I could tell she was in no way into rekindling anything. She just knew that motel made me uncomfortable. There were people having sex all over the place at that older motel. I'd even heard a woman offering her services to a man in his car and then later I saw the man leaving a room and the woman smoking a cigarette just outside her door. It was so cliche it hurt. I felt my eyes blink slowly as I turned away and ducked back inside.

Reagan must've seen me then. I must've looked just like I felt, like I shouldn't be where I was.

She wasn't even supposed to be on this trip and right then I felt strange around her, that was the beginning of my day. That and Karma's text.

But the end was okay. I couldn't talk to Reagan and I didn't feel up to calling Karma so I took a long bath before huddling into my bed and hugging a pillow.

At some point I started to cry and Reagan must've heard.

"It's going to be fine," I heard her say. She got into bed with me and held me like she used to. I locked her fingers with mine so she had to keep holding me. She didn't fight.

I don't think I've ever fallen asleep that quick in my life. In the morning I felt a whole lot better and a lot less scared.

Reagan was right, it wasn't the end of the world, I was stiil in it.

Reagan took me to a diner and we talked a lot. She's slowly helping me with Karma, helping me understand.

We're going to be back in the van soon so I'm about to call Karma and I'm really scared…


	26. Chapter 26

_*Karma's POV written by Blackindiaink*_

 **Chapter Twenty-Six**

 **Karma's POV**

Later…

I'm waiting for her to call. Just sitting there remembering all the things I said to her when we said goodbye. I wanted to be someone else and she was the only one who really saw me, but then I denied that the kiss meant anything.

I wasn't lying exactly. I just didn't know how or what it really was. I guess I just don't get why Amy loves me. I know why I love her. She's my heart and then she left to get over me and I should have let her. I couldn't because… I'm not over her somehow.

My phone is ringing so I pick it up.

Me: Hello?

Amy: Hey, I'm glad you got back safe.

Me: I wish I could have stayed.

Amy: Me too

I've got to figure out how to get back to her. I can still hear the doubt. She doesn't think I'm totally committed. She needs to believe me. I can't wait till she comes back.

Me: Amy, don't give up on me. Please. I just need us to be in the same place. I need to prove myself to you. You're not just my best friend. You're my soul mate and that's a lot more than friends. That's fate.

We need time to talk through this. I see why she hesitated. Why she didn't sleep with me. I want to. I need to. I want Amy to be the one.


	27. Chapter 27

_*we've gotten a long way on this in the past two days*_

 _*Again I am writing the part of Amy and Blackindiaink is writing the part of Karma*_

 _*we switched from diary view to POV to move the story along*_

 _*the conversation continues*_

 **The Karmy Diaries Continued…**

 **AMY**

"I'm not giving up on you, it's just hard…" I said. "How am I supposed to feel confident in us when it took me leaving for you to suddenly see and want me?"

 **KARMA**

I had no good answer, just hope. "I know, you're right. I can't ask that of you. I just don't want you to come back and we have no chance. That's my problem though. I'm selfish and I want you all to myself. I could let it go easier if I didn't feel this way now."

 **AMY**

"If you really want me you can wait…" I said it but I knew I didn't mean it. It wasn't fair of me to be saying this. It wasn't fair of me to be pretending Karma wasn't going through a whole shit-storm of other things but I didn't know what else I could say.

 **KARMA**

I nodded my head. "That's totally fair. I will. I can. And maybe I can come see you again before the summer is over."

Asking Liam for another favor would not be fun but I would. There was no doubt.

"I guess I'll just have to hope that no one sweeps you off your feet while we're apart." My laugh sounded lame to me and I know Amy could see right through it.

 **Amy**

"Karma…" What the fuck was I supposed to say to that. Could she really not know that all I wanted in the whole world.. All I wanted ever, was just her?

I could hear her trying to laugh it off like she wasn't nervous and it hurt. I could never drop her and this was the closest I had ever come ever. I wasn't doing a very good job.

 **Karma**

"I know, I know."

I can't ask her to wait for me. Who knows maybe she will find someone out there on the road. Someone who would recognize what a great girlfriend she makes before they screw it all up by being a selfish, blind idiot.

"Let's talk about something else. Are you having fun?"

Amy wasn't good at saying things and I wasn't good at not saying them even if they were usually the wrong things to talk about.

All I want is for her to come back so we can spend some time figuring out if this really would work. I want it to. I want to try so much it hurts.

At least she won't ever make me empty promises.

 **Amy**

"What?" I was thrown. "I mean, yeah! Yeah…" My voice softened. I felt my fingers absentmindedly playing with my hair as I imagined her exact expression while she said those four nice words.

What kind of fun could I be having? I wanted to laugh. She threw me.

"Actually no," I laughed, truthfully. "Last night I met some of Reagan's friends. It felt good for a while but then it… It got old."

 **Karma**

She was thrown but at least we were trying to be normal. "Why did it get old?" I hoped that she wished I had been there. I wish she would say it but I can't expect things like that. It makes me crazy and it isn't fair.

Why do I always pick wrong and have to clean up the mess? I guess I'll figure it out someday but also I'm a teenager. Aren't we supposed to mess up? At least I know that I've screwed it all up.

I just wish I didn't have to go to work later. All I'll do is think about Amy and about how she's out there hanging out with all of these cool band people. It's noooo fair.

 **Amy**

"Well…" I was dragging the word out and wondering what I should say. "There were a number of reasons, really." It was good to talk about something else. "For a second it felt like old times and that scared me."

 **Karma**

"Whiiiiich weeeeeeere?"

Classic Amy. She's trying to think of what to say and how to say it and avoiding a little. This is the easy part. We can talk about unrelated things all day long.

Her heart is at least partly still mine. I can feel that but I'm not stupid enough to take that for granted. I want to be perfect for her. Well, as perfect as I can be. It's easy to overshoot that.

 **Amy**

Dammit. I can't talk to her about this stuff. It's too hard. "I dunno," I shrugged. Knowing that she couldn't see me made me feel a bit better, a bit bolder. "Safe, I guess," but those words felt idiotic the second they left my mouth. "With her I created this safe little bubble. But you know why it felt safe. You know I wasn't really giving her all of me."

I waited for her to speak but all I heard was such silence.

 **Karma**

"Oh, so you felt safe so it got old to hang out?"

It was confusing. I felt like Amy was trying to say something without saying it. I wanted to just yell at her to use her words but that's not a good way to get Amy to talk. You have to be patient. Not something I'm very good at sometimes.

"Is it Reagan, being around her? Is it confusing?"

I can't help wondering if I should have risked mixing her all up again but I had to. Right?

 **Amy**

How could I even begin to explain? The problem with Reagan was that it wasn't confusing but it still wasn't right. I sat on the line and waited for the words to come.

"It's not confusing being around her. And it doesn't hurt, not really. I dunno. It's really hard to talk about this stuff Karma…"

I need to stop being stupid. I need to talk to her. She unloaded every single detail of her relationship with Liam, right down to what he ate and didn't eat and the sighs he made and didn't make.

I sighed just thinking about listening to Karma as she over-analyzed Liam's heavy sighs night after night.

"I wasn't 100% me when I was with her. And eventhough it felt right most of the time, because we were new and it was all new, it still wasn't right. And last night I was myself but it was just a reminder of what we weren't, or more, what we could've been if…"

I can't finish that sentence. The answer to that is too hurtful.

"Why are we talking about this again?" I wanted to hit myself.

 **Karma**

All I could do was sigh. (Not into the phone of course that would be rude) I know she hated talking about this and I didn't intend for us to go from one hard subject to another. It just happened that way.

"We're talking about this because we don't want to talk about us."

I chuckled into the phone.

"I guess it just evolved that way. You wanna talk about something else? How about my parents and their quest to find a used Winnebago that we can all live in. Because that's super fun."

I didn't want to talk about that either but it seemed safer.

 **Amy**

"Karma…" I laughed.

She's always good at getting me to smile. She was giving me an out. She always gave me an out. But I didn't deserve it. I deserved to be forced into a conversation about all this. I wasn't fair to anyone. And everyone in my life was just letting me be this half of a person. Karma was letting me get away with it. She was helping me to not exist fully.

"Last night was… It was like coming back to something I fucked up."

I was the only one fucking up. I kept on doing it too. Reagan was nothing but sweet to me last night.

What hurt the most? I finally saw that she treated me a bit like a kid. And I understood why.

"I didn't drink at all. I was sad all night because you'd left. Then Reagan came over and made me smile and when I got sad she took me to a different hotel and helped me to sleep because she knew I wasn't comfortable in that other creepy motel all the girls were staying in… I dunno why I'm rambling…" I wanted to talk about it. I felt my throat tighten though. I just tried not to think.

"I know part of me wished I could just lose myself in her like I used to do before. Part of me really wanted for things to be simple. Part of me wanted to just kiss her and fall back into her out of convenience. Part of me wanted to make things be simple instead of right."

I knew those words would hurt Karma's ears and her heart.

"Reagan was somewhere else though. She was ahead of me, for once. She saw right through me and knew that if we did do something it would probably have very little to do with her. She basically called me out. She knew that all I wanted was to stop myself from thinking about you."

I could stop. I could stop talking now.

Karma's silence, again, was terrifying. I felt her hanging on my words. I felt her trying not to stop me from speaking because I often stopped speaking too soon.

"The hotel room Reagan booked had two beds," I sighed. "But I asked Reagan to sleep with me. We slept together, just sleep. She held me, because I asked. And I missed you… All night… I cried. And I felt stupid. I felt really reeeally stupid. And now I feel like even more of an idiot because I know I shouldn't have said any of that to you. But this big part of me is sick of who I am. And if I don't start talking about it I'm scared of what I'll do and who I'll be and where I'll end up… I mean, look at me Karma? I'm living with strangers in a van. This isn't me. This really isn't me… I feel like… Like, I'm turning into my Dad…"

I felt my tears streaming down my face and I wasn't even sure of when I first started to cry.

I'm so sick of keeping everything inside. I think that's why I'm here with all these strangers now. I think that's why I left. But Karma never asked me to hide myself. I've been doing that all on my own and I need to fucking stop if I want us to survive.

 **Karma**

Hearing it landed like blows. She was just telling me. It was what I asked her to do and I was suffering like I should. You have to hurt to appreciate. I kept telling myself that as she was telling me about Reagan. They would have slept TOGETHER if it wasn't for Reagan seeing through it.

I can't blame Amy for trying not to think about me, about us. We are the great frightening unknown but if we ever get it right then it will be amazing. I know it will.

"Amy, there's nothing wrong with those feelings. I'm glad that Reagan helped you when I couldn't."

I had to breathe through that last sentence. It was the hardest part, admitting that someone else could be there for Amy when I couldn't.

"You can come home anytime." I tried not to sound too hopeful. "If you feel like it isn't you. I wouldn't complain if you did."

Do not push her. You've done enough of that. DO NOT PUSH HER.

 **Amy**

Something about the suggestion upset me.

It wasn't just a little tiny drop of anger, it was like a full-blown tsunami coming down right over my head. I clutched the phone in my hand and held it so tight that it hurt. I let it drop to my side and I tried not to scream as I moved my body and gathered myself to try and quell all that anger.

"Right," I bit, taking in a deep sigh threw gritted teeth.

All of a sudden I felt stupid for being so honest before.

How was it that I needed her to be mad but instead I got upset?

Nothing seems to go the way I want it to. No matter how much I think I can fix things they always get screwed up.

I left because she was in this constant state of denial and it was affecting our friendship and breaking us apart. I was trying too hard and she wasn't trying AT ALL. I left because I had to leave. She had done something so wrong that it could break us forever. Did she really just see my leaving as ME being selfish?! Was that really what she thought? That I left to hurt HER?!

 **Karma**

"Amy?"

The word she spoke was full of emotion. It was anger. What had I done this time. Could I never find the right thing to say now?

"Amy! What's the matter? I'm just trying to tell you that I understand and I want you to do what you need to do but… but."

I couldn't even tell if she was listening.

"I. AM. IN. LOVE. WITH. YOU."

I was just going to do it. Run out on the limb and hope it didn't break.

"Not just I love you. I want to be with you. I don't care what happens out there. I'll want to be with you when you get home. I want to try."

 **Amy**

I could feel my entire body soften. I could feel myself deflate. My heart fluttered.

"Sorry," I breathed, for the first time in a long time. "I just… Sometimes I feel like you think I left just to hurt you."

It was all I could say.

 **Karma**

WHAT? Sometimes Amy really didn't see me.

"Of course not! I think you left because you were hurt and I hurt you. Maybe in the beginning I had an irrational thought about you leaving but I know it wasn't because you're selfish. You left because I'm an idiot."

It felt good to say it. Amy could not think I blamed her. In the moment I might get weird and petty but I knew her better than she knew herself. She was just trying to get away from me so she could get over me.

"Why would you think that?"

 **Amy**

"See," I sighed, the tears still trying to take me over. I felt my voice all shaky and pathetic. "I left because you needed me to leave. You just didn't know that yet…" It was soo true that I was actually surprised I said it out loud. "And you're not an idiot… You just… Didn't want me." Which hurts more actually. I'll never understand why she'd rather just say it meant nothing to her.

My heart was racing eventhough I was just standing still. I wished I could be near her, that I could see her face and hold her hands.

 **Karma**

My heart broke when I heard that.

"Of course I wanted you. I just didn't know how and I am an idiot because I had to lose you to realize that. I think if you look up idiot in the dictionary that's one of the definitions. I could make you a binder on all the ways in which I've screwed this up but I know you don't like it when I research."

I wished she was here or I was there. I just wanted to be looking into her eyes when we said these things. That way I could make her see everything I was saying instead of just hearing it.

 **Amy**

"Karma…" Ugg… The way she said that first part just broke me in two. And then she kept talking. "How many times do I have to say it?! You could never lose me." I suddenly hated myself for all the truths. Some days we just didn't click right and today was one of those days. All our individual thoughts were combative and strange. Talking while far away was nearly impossible and definitely hard.

Of course she was scared… She had every right.

All that anger from before was gone. All I felt now was remorse.

 **Karma**

"It just feels like I could. I don't want to just assume that you'll always be there. It feels wrong. I need you to know that I appreciate you."

There! Those were the words I had been trying to say all along.

"I just want more now and I want you to still want more with me. I know it's scary. I'm scared. I've never been scared like this. Everyone else… it was fun and painful at times but not really scary. It's scary to go there with you because we can't ever go back to how it was and I'm afraid you'll end up hating me and I'll lose you that way. I'm afraid to mess it up."

Oh my god. HOW…. I never realized that was why I didn't let myself feel. Oh god, I really had screwed us both over. Not in a good way.

 **Amy**

I scoffed and heard my voice crack. "Are you kidding?" All I've been wanting, all I've ever wanted up until now, "all I've ever wanted is more of you, more of this, whatever this is. Thinking about you, wanting you, it's the only thing that's ever felt like this to me. Karma, believe me, you're not the only one who's scared."

 **Karma**

"I know, I know."

She was right. I just needed her to know.

"I just want you to know. I'm not taking this lightly. I'm not just saying. I mean it. I want you."

At first a lump formed in my throat. Like I couldn't let that out. I still questioned myself until that thrill went through me. The knowing that I wasn't lying. I wanted to go all the way. I didn't care if we had to explain it to a million people.

 **Amy**

"Yeah?" I couldn't hide the tender excitement that lit me up at just the touch of her words. Only hours ago she was with me and here. Only hours ago we were touching.

She was right that I didn't have to stay away but somehow it felt smart to put distance between us, even now.

Karma and I hadn't been the best at communicating the last couple of years. Words could be troubling, silences and actions were capable of saying a lot. All I had to do was leave and all of a sudden she was sure of herself and what she really wanted. It felt almost laughable but also lovely and optimistic and suddenly right and the distance was responsible. Without the distance none of this would be happening right now.

I did want her. Knowing she wanted me too was very tempting.

I thought about how stupid it was before to talk of Reagan. I wanted more of this talk about us. I wanted her to say what she said over and over and over… I wanted to drown in her words now and allow them to fill me up.

I closed my eyes and smiled.

 **Karma**

"Yeah."

I smiled into the phone. She was starting to believe me a little. I needed to be there. I needed her to know that it was because my brain had finally caught up with my heart.

"Amy, I can't wait. I mean….. I don't know if I can wait till you come back."

What I was saying, I didn't know. I was just telling her the truth. That was something I would always do. It just took me a long time to realize what that was with her.

OUR TRUTH.

All of those images of us growing old together as best friends were slowly turning into us growing old together as lovers.

 **Amy**

My heart hurt. It burned.

Suddenly all I wanted was to be with her, to hold her.

"I know what you mean," I sighed, suddenly thirsty. She was waking up just as I had done once. Only difference was she already knew I wanted her, it was nearly the same. She knew right away that she could have me and that I would want her.

I felt a shallowness in my throat as I tried to breathe. I was brought back to the other day holding hands and kissing her slow.

"I really wish I could be kissing you right now," it was all I could think.

I let my eyes wander shut as I remembered the feeling and felt my heart beat hard at my chest.

"Just talking to you makes me feel all sick and achy." I could finally confess the things I held inside. It felt so very right. My stomach turned as I felt the ghost of her arms holding me, her body coming in close and pressing into me from behind. I lived imagining she was with me and her voice only served to egg me on and will me to keep on imagining her touch and her taste and words soft at my ear.

I felt drunk with my memories and my need.

 **Karma**

The way she spoke to me was new. I couldn't have ever imagined it. The tone was not one I'd heard. Amy had so many and I was fluent in their sounds. I could tell when she was hungry, sick, angry, happy but this had to be what she held back from me.

My chest felt so tight. "Me too." My voice sounded so small. "It's different now. Before when we were faking it. I felt something but I just thought it was because we were best friends and I love you. … and because you're a great kisser. The last one nearly made me explode. I wanted to."

We were talking about the things that scared us. The communication issue might still be there but we were talking, working past it.

"It's funny because I've seen you naked you know? But now the thought of it is, I don't know, it makes me all tingly."

I could haves said it better. In retrospect it sounded so small and juvenile. This was enormous. It was consuming.

 **Amy**

"Mmmm," I felt myself humming. "Tingly…" I finished, agreeing. I knew that feeling far too well.

"For me it's more than that now. Every little thing you do affects me. It's hard to explain." I wish I could see her. I really wish this was a coffee-shop chat back in Austin on a cool yet sunny morning.

Just tapping one finger of mine to one finger of hers lit me on fire and if we were close I would try that now just to see what she would feel. I wanted to know.

Shane and Reagan both expressed to me that different people feel sexual attraction in different ways. For me it was different with Karma. It wasn't just that I wanted to touch her, though that was huge. I could feel her energy. I could feel when she was near. It was grossly intense and explaining that from far away was just hard and unnecessary. For now I could just feel it and know it was real. Nothing could change that now. Now that I knew, it was all intensely relevant.

 **Karma**

She made me smile. I rolled over onto my bed and I just lay there hearing the sound of her loving me even from far away.

"You're kind of charming, you know."

This new way of speaking with each other made me feel more than a dozen nights of sex with Liam and I could only feel a little bad about that because Amy was on the other end of the line.

"Well, I look forward to seeing just how much I affect you as soon as possible."

Neither of us could make promises on time. She needed this trip and I needed money. If it wasn't for that I'd be with her in a second if she let me.

"It's kind of new for me but I just know that thinking about you touching me, even just holding my hand, makes me imagine stars exploding. Does that make sense?"

Amy and Karma, Karma and Amy… Karmy… We are cosmic.

 **Amy**

"Have you been reading Nicholas Sparks books again?" I teased. It was easier to tease her than to address my own similar cravings. My chest felt tight and my heart felt like it was skipping beats and going fast and then slow. She made me want to lay down. She made me want to wrap her up and take a long nap.

The distance was too much.

I was already thinking about going back but it seemed weak to give in so quick. Even if it was wrong of me to be away in the first place this distance had obviously been a little good for us.

I could hear her laughing on the other side of the phone and saying, shut up.

"No, I mean it…" I said, getting serious. "I don't think I've ever missed you this much." Thinking about being with her again and how much she would affect me then was almost debilitating. "You might kill me just by staring." After everything, touch may not even be necessary.

 **Karma**

Classic Amy. If she had been here I would have smacked her. BUT she wasn't so I just told her to "shut up". Tears came to my eyes. Happy and sad ones. I think I could almost tell which ones were which as they took their slow journey down my cheeks.

"Me too."

Now, I could truthfully say that. Me too

Two unsuspecting words that meant little without our past. I barely got them out without my voice being indecipherable.

"I don't know I might miss you more."

I laughed through my tear strained throat, wishing she never had to suffer because of me, wishing I wasn't the reason that she was missing me and I her.

"I swear, if you weren't a thousand miles away I'd try to seduce you right now."

 **Amy**

I laughed too.

"Okay, first- There is no way you could be missing me more. At least you're at home with your family and familiar things around you, over here I am all alone. And second- I know for sure that all it would take is one look and I'd be lost in you. Believe me, you don't even have to try, I almost fainted when you showed up in that lobby."

The whole idea that she could possibly think I could take seducing was hilarious. I wasn't Liam. I wasn't some random dumb boy who needed things to be hyper-sexual in order for them to feel sexual. Everything about Karma turned me on.

For a long time that even felt wrong. But now… Now I understood why.

"If you ever actually tried to seduce me I'd have a heart-attack."

And that was for sure.

 **Karma**

"Oh, I don't know. I can't even work. My boss was talking to me for a full minute yesterday and I didn't even hear him because I was thinking about you."

There had to be a better way to make money. If I knew of one I'd be doing it. Maybe I could ask my parents if there was any way that I could go meet Amy. No, that's selfish. Again. This positing I am in is just what I have to deal with.

"Okay, I need to ask you something."

I shimmied to a sitting position in my bed. This was important. I've been thinking about it all day. If she said yes it would be part of what got me through the time till she got back.

"Amy Raudenfeld, will you go out with me?"

 **Amy**

"What do you mean?" I laughed awkwardly.

She was acting really weird. That question was weird. I couldn't even remember a time when we weren't attached at the hip. Was she joking? Was this about some promise or something? What was she scared of? What could she possibly be scared of? Up until now I've lived my whole life for her. The thought of doing anything else was almost laughable. Though I consistently tried for over a year I couldn't do it. Karma was my one true guiding light. She was the person I compared all others too. She was everything and more. Too me she was already everything, so this question was just laughable. It almost hurt.

 **Karma**

"Well." Her response stole my certainty that this was the right thing. "I just want it to be official like we go out and it's a date. You know. Like the changing of the guard. The last time we went to the movies we were just best friends and this time we can be dumb and make out in the last row."

I shrugged even though she couldn't see me. I felt dumb now, like I was still missing the point of something.

"I just thought it would be meaningful if I asked you. I mean, we can't go until you come back but having a date to look forward to might make it less hard to be apart."

At least for me.

 **Amy**

"Karma…" I sighed. There were definitely mixed emotions. On the one hand she wanted to claim me. On the other she wanted to claim me.

How clear could I make it that I was hers?

This was supposed to feel sweet but because of all that had happened it almost felt like a power-play and I hated that. I hated that I had to think like this, that she made me think like this.

"I dunno," I said worried. "Of course I want to go out with you," I stressed, feeling sad. "I'm obviously in love with you and only you."

What more could I say?

Yet, I felt like I was crushing her dreams. I didn't want to promise her anything else. I didn't want to promise that I wouldn't slip or sleep with Reagan or find myself wanting to be alone. Not after everything we'd been through. I couldn't trust myself to trust her. Not anymore.

We went from having this really sweet conversation to having a conversation that made me feel broken and defensive.

I tried to calm myself down.. I imagined taking her out to the movies and walking up the stairs to the back of the theater instead of going straight to the railing in the front like we usually do. I imagined it getting dark, my hand sliding under the armrest and onto her leg, my fingers squeezing at her naked thigh just below the hem of her dress. I imagined pretending I wasn't doing it as she turned and stared at me, both shocked and pleased. Then I felt the ghost of her hand at my neck and the ghost of her lips moving up to my earlobe, taking it into her mouth and teasing it as she breathed.

She'd say something coy, she'd mock me, "couldn't even wait for the movie to start?" She'd say, a smile eating her alive.

I felt a rush of need attack me.

"Fuck," I sighed, out-loud, not thinking. I wanted that date so fucking much.

My nasty word went straight into the phone. I was obviously overwhelmed by what we could now be.

 **Karma**

I had no idea how to interpret that answer. Was it a yes or a no? I don't think it was either but I wasn't going to argue with her. I just let her be quiet and think. Then she said "fuck" into the phone like she was in the middle of having sex. At least, that's how my teenage hormones heard it.

"Amy, I'm not asking you to be my girlfriend or anything. I know we have a long way to go before we get to that. I don't care what happens between now and then. I just want you to think about giving me a chance when you come back."

That was all I could do. My hope was attached to every one of those words but I didn't want to make her feel anymore trapped than she was already. I didn't want to think about her doing anything with someone else.

That was something I wouldn't let myself consider now. She told me that all she wanted was me but I could feel that there was hesitation. I was straddling the line of giving her space and trying to make her see that I was all in.

 **Amy**

"Okay," I sighed. But what I wanted to say was much more than that, what I wanted to say was that I was always hers and would be hers no matter what stupid things I did or what random things she decided to do. Distance didn't cloud my vision, it only heightened it.

I could see her laying on Felix's bed in his room. I could see her hanging on my word, hanging onto that phone between lifeguarding shifts. Ever since I left she'd done nothing but try to give me all of her time, no matter how far away I was, no matter how emotionally distant.

I could hear the fear in her now, even from hundreds of miles away and it scarred me.

"I'm sorry I'm being so weird today…" I knew it was wrong. No matter how supportive she was, how kind, I found a way to spin it in my mind and change her intentions, question them and second-guess. "I'm just not used to this, Karma… I'm not used to you wanting me. Even just now I couldn't stop imagining that date you want in that same theater we've been to a million times as friends. I get it. But it feels really heavy. I'm not good with heavy. You know that."

I was suddenly aware of how much we were talking. I didn't usually put in this much with her.

I felt a rush of something, I think I was just overwhelmed.

I took the phone away from my face for a second and looked out at the dirt lot behind the hotel. I was on a balcony, hanging on the rail. I felt the heat and the humidity but mostly I felt the missing presence of Karma's voice and her hands. I felt myself missing her in such an odd place.

With certainty now, I took the phone back upto my ear.

"Believe me," I nearly growled. "I _**want**_ that date," I said knowingly and with emphasis. I could feel my body hoping for hers.

There was so much I wanted to say, so much about what I wanted to do and how I wanted to touch her. From hundreds of miles though? It was truly the wrong time.

I held on the line and waited for what she might say. If she needed any more convincing I would talk but if not I would simply leave it at that.

Flirting long-distance with the girl I'd been holding back from all year was risky to say the very least. This would be much more fun with her at arm's reach and I knew that better than I knew anything else. So I waited and hoped. I hoped she'd ask me for more because for once I actually wanted to tell her all the things I'd been dreaming and all the thoughts I'd been hiding because, at the time, I had wanted to be a good friend more than anything else.

 **Karma**

My chest felt lighter. I could breathe again and it was because I could tell something had given inside of her. I hadn't pushed too far. Alienating her with too much would have been just as bad as letting her go without saying anything about how I felt.

"Okay," I said. The smile beamed out of my voice. She really was mine. No matter what. I wanted to skip the months we had left but maybe we needed them. I guess time would tell. At least the awesome tan I was going to get this summer wouldn't be wasted. I'd get at least one date. 

"I'm really glad you said that because I really want to do all the stupid little things with you. It's stupid how cheesy I feel right now. I know you've been feeling longer. I'm sorry you were suffering through me talking about Liam and… now I see how I acted with the whole Reagan thing was dumb and I was dumb. I should have realized then."

I wanted to hear about it. Before we had shared everything and then she shut down on me for good reason but I still wanted all of that stuff between us that was lost.

"When did you actually realize that you liked me? If you don't want to answer or talk about it. I get it. I really do. We can talk about anything you want. I was just curious."

 **Amy**

I let out a deep breath. She could never know how happy it made me to actually talk about this without the fear of hurting her feelings or fucking her up emotionally.

I walked back into the room and lay down on the sloppily made bed.

Once I was there I was ready to talk.

"That's a complicated question," I smiled. I'd always known I loved her. But this was about something more. "I was upset about how happy Liam made you, I remember that." I gulped. "I was upset that you were so happy about him liking this fake, dumbed-down, version of you. It was before we even kissed at that assembly and I remember thinking to myself. I remembered thinking, _**why are you so angry, Amy?!**_ Why are you so upset…" I stared up at the popcorn ceiling and tried to imagine being back in my room. "When I kissed you it all came together. When I kissed you I felt something I hadn't ever felt, something I couldn't deny or shut-off or excuse. And I didn't want it to be just me… I didn't want to be alone..."

I wasn't sure it made sense but I was sure that my voice was getting more and more soft as I spoke.

I could hear my own breath and I wondered what Karma was thinking…

Mostly though I wondered what she thought about all that. When did she think I started to have feelings?

 **Karma**

"Oh."

That was early. She had resisted faking it so much it never occurred to me that it might be because she was feeling it then. I felt small.

"How did you not tell me all that time?"

I felt like an idiot. I was basically torturing her for the better part of two months. And I had come so late to the game. How did she even stay around? She still wanted me and it was a miracle.

"I'm so sorry, Amy. I wish I had felt it when you did. I hate that you were alone. I never wanted that to happen. "

My heart hurt for her. "And you had to listen to me go on and on about Liam?! That's horrible."

I thought about what it would be like if Amy was with someone and wanted to tell me all about it in detail. My insides clenched and I nearly threw up.

"Amy…"

She was quiet.

"I had no idea."

I thought about all the times we kissed and held hands, cuddled. It seemed like each one had to be horrible for her.

"Were you dying that entire time?"

I needed to know how much damage I had caused.

 **Amy**

"Dying?" I sighed. I wouldn't put it that way. I was definitely torn between feeling ecstasy and sadness. Sprinkle a little guilt in there and you have the ultimate recipe. "No, it wasn't like that, it was…" I tried to search for the right words. I spoke slowly.

"I was scared to tell you, curious about feeling you. I was mad about Liam, about how happy you were with him. It felt bad to be mad about that. I felt like a jerk… And I did want to tell you but I was scared and you seemed so happy, finally happy… It was hard to break out of that cycle of keeping this big secret. You'd lean in and kiss me and I'd close my eyes and feel the best feeling of my entire life. And you'd close your eyes too and smile into me and I'd wonder what it was you felt… I'd wonder how I could be feeling so many things if you weren't feeling anything. I'd wonder too much. Shane warned me not to get lost."

I felt lost the whole time.

 **Karma**

Oh god, she was feeling all of that and I was oblivious. Sitting there feeling happy that I had this hot guy who was sweet to me and popular. I had real feelings for Liam. I did. I just… they weren't real in the same way that my feelings for Amy were.

"That's intense. When we kissed I thought it was normal to feel kind of different because we're best friends. We were always so close, even closer than other best friends. It felt normal and different than it was when I kissed Liam. That was like a storybook with the hot prince. With you it was just real and intense and I felt like we just connected even more than before."

I stopped. I didn't want her to feel any worse but she expressed a desire to know what I was thinking then and she deserved to know. I just wanted to give her a chance to tell me to stop if she didn't want to hear it.

"With Liam I was living a story and now my feelings for you are like I'm living my real life and I can feel every single part of me light up when you're so much as talking to me. Right now, hearing you talk about kissing me."

I didn't want to finish. "I wish I could show you."

Maybe I could. I wanted her to see so I would show her later when we got off the phone.

 **Amy**

All the things she said swam inside me and I could feel them all over.

It was like all my dreams were coming true. I laid on the bed and tried not to feel my whole body as it seemed to vibrate at just the thought of her being here and showing me.

"I like when you talk to me like this," I said. I had my eyes closed and my mind reaching out for her. "You've always made me feel special, Karma. You've always made me feel important, like I'm worth something somehow. And I know that sounds strange but I mean it… I had really stopped hoping you could ever want me more than you already did. It was wrong of me to want more from you and I knew that."

I tried not to feel overwhelmed. "Even leaving, I was mad at myself once I'd done it. I thought somehow that your kiss had been this sort of test or something, like you needed me to act? I dunno…"

I sighed out and wandered what it did mean. Something between us had obviously changed. That had to of started with the kiss. There was no denying that.

"I'd see you kissing him, Liam. It hurt to watch. It hurt to see his hands on you and your eyes on him. I could only ever look at you, it hurt to initiate touch once I knew, it felt wrong like I was using you so I let you touch me but I tried not to touch you too often, somehow you didn't even notice and that hurt too. And then all that stuff with Reagan, I was pushing you out to try and stay sane, to try and forget how good you made me feel because it hurt knowing that you couldn't really ever be mine."

The room felt so empty but it was okay. I still had her on the line. I still had her wanting to listen. This was all still real and happening. It wasn't some perfect dream.

"There were so many times when I felt like a jerk. You made me feel special and I made you feel horrible and I couldn't explain it, not to you or to myself. It was too complicated so I just shut it all up inside and hoped we'd both get past it. Does that make any sense?!" I asked but then I felt stupid. I clutched at my stomach and felt it stir in sickness and unease. "I'm sorry I'm talking so much. We're too far apart for all this crap. I just wish I could hold you."

I wish she could be here and hold me.

 **Karma**

If anyone is special it's Amy. She never saw it. If we could switch for an hour I think we would realize everything. It would be simple then but no one lets you do that.

"Amy, you ARE special. You are literally the best thing that ever happened to me. I gave up peanut butter for you!"

She giggled and sighed but it was serious. Just a small thing but it revealed a lot.

"I cannot imagine doing this with anyone else. You know people like to get hung up on gender. I hate that. I am in love with you, not your vagina."

I don't know where it came from but I was just tired of people making me or Amy feel bad for loving who we loved.

"I guess that's kind of off the subject but it's true. I know we haven't done anything but kiss yet but I know that when we do it's going to be so much more for me. And watching you with Reagan was terrible. I knew I had no right to be jealous but I was. I just didn't stop to think why. I guess everyone else could see it but me but that has to be true of the whole entire thing."

No one could have made me realize if Amy couldn't. I knew that. Yet, I wished that someone had. Then we wouldn't have been through all of this. It had to happen this way. Something told me that

"Me too." I said it softly this time. "I wish I could just blink and be there with you. I hope I am soon."

 **Amy**

Karma was lovely, always insisting that I was important. No one else did that, not even my mom. My Mom had gotten better about it lately but still, it was different coming from someone who had no obligation to stay with me, no blood relation, no ties. Only Karma did that.

"The longer we talk the more soft I feel… You're like my kryptonite," I said, only I didn't mean it in the formal sense of kryptonite only being a debilitating poison. When I said she made me soft I meant she made me weak for her and thirsty for relief. Her words felt like touches and her voice like a soft lullaby. It didn't even matter what she said. I just wanted her to keep talking.

Though she was saying a few very lovely things…

"Can I ask you something?" I said.

She responded with a very soft, "Hmm?" In the moment I could tell she felt as soft and gooey as me.

"Will you sing me a song?" I needed more of her, wanted more.

 **Karma**

She asked for a song. I was glad to give her one but which? I had to think fast because I didn't want to miss a moment of pleasing her.

"Hold on."

I considered getting my guitar or my ukulele but my voice was okay by itself I figured.

"Okay."

I smiled to myself I just started to sing the first song that came to mind.

"Don't you worry there my honey

We might not have any money

But we've got our love to pay the bills

Maybe I think you're cute and funny

Maybe I wanna do what bunny's do with you

If you know what I mean

Let's get rich and buy our parents homes in the south of France

Let's get rich and give everybody nice sweaters,

And teach them how to dance

Let's get rich and build a house on a mountain

Making everybody look like ants

From way up there

You and I, You and I..."

The song was so us. Soft and silly but so sweet and filled with so much love for one another. It made me happy to sing it and I hope that she liked it. It made me think of her and that's why it just came to me. When I finished singing I just grinned to myself and waited.

"Amy?"

She was quiet and I was afraid that she had gone to sleep.

 **Amy**

"You make me feel so good, Karma…" I rolled onto my side as I whined these pitiful words. I ached for her so much.

Of all the songs…

I couldn't take her calling me honey. I couldn't take her being so lovely so far away.

"I thought you fell asleep," she laughed awkwardly.

"Never," I reassured, hoping she could understand why. When she sang to me I felt even more special. Her voice filled me up inside and made me float like a weightless balloon.

Even when she was just practicing in her room while I did homework, she'd think I wasn't listening but I was. I'd stop my writing and she'd ask me if the questions were hard and I'd lie and say yes. Then she'd help me with some super easy math problem or some horribly mundane critical thinking quiz and she'd go back to playing completely unaware.

My God, I was in love with her. Even before I knew. I was just so in love.

And now we could really be. This could really be.

One conversation had me finally feeling like we were okay again and there for each other. One conversation reminded me of why I needed to leave and the only reason was so I could go back home and have it actually feel like home.

"I want to come home," I said, knowing now that I was sure.

 **Karma**

She wanted to come back… She wanted to come back… to me. I wanted to fall over and scream from happiness but I didn't dare. This had to be her decision.

"Are you sure?"

I didn't want to make it seem like I didn't want her to come back either. God, that possibility made me panic.

"I really, really want you to. I just don't want you to come back before you're ready."

I held my breath and waited for her to tell me. Was I presuming too much by thinking that I could have that much sway over her decision. Just a song and a conversation and she said she wanted to come back. That could just be love. If she loved me that much then I was in so deep. The best kind of deep.

 **Amy**

"I can't take being this far away and feeling like this," I said. "I can't take thinking that this isn't real. I need to know that it's real. I need to feel you."

I suddenly understood why Karma was trying to rush into sleeping with me before she left. She didn't want me to feel like this. She wanted me to be sure, to know.

Still, I knew I wasn't ready for that with her but I needed to touch her again and watch her while she spoke. I needed to see that this was real. One day in the French Quarter was nowhere near enough time for me to feel safe.

One day in the French Quarter felt like some sort of fever-dream. She came and spun my world upside down, made me feel things I had tried not to feel, she gave me this safe feeling for just a moment before she was gone.

"I feel like I've been trapped in this room away from you but I've been trapped for way longer than you think. It's like all this time I've been talking through a door and only seeing you through the small screen of a window. Like we've had visitation hours but the whole time I've had to keep secrets and pretend to be strong." Again, I wanted to cry. This feeling for me probably started way back before our first kiss. And then it amplified around the time I began to date Reagan. Karma had gone from being the most important person in my life to being this person I needed to be away from and I hated that, I hated it so much.

Now we could be. Now I didn't have to hold back or pretend or lie.

I got up from the bed and paced the floor with the phone still to my ear. I don't think she can even understand what I'm feeling. This whole time she's been so unaware and a lot of that has been because I lied and kept secrets and pretended everything was fine.

"I don't feel good," I said, digesting the truth of it. I'd been pushing her away for so long now. And her life was such a mess given everything.

I needed to get to her. I needed to get to her right away.

"I think I better go," I said. There was no time to explain.

 **Karma**

She spoke so fast that I struggled to follow but my heart was keeping the time perfectly. Every word she uttered made it beat faster and hope more. I could see her soon. I might not have to wait.

"Amy?"

She was gone. She had hung up on me. I took the phone away from my face and stared at it. This was new. I rushed to call her back but it went straight to voicemail.

"Damn," I muttered

I texted her.

 _What's going on? Are you okay?_

I got up, shuffling around and tapping the screen of my phone. With a deep sigh, I sat back down and started to type out another message. She was being cryptic and I hated that but I had a wonderful feeling that it was a good kind of cryptic.

I half expected her to rush through the door. It was impossible but I thought it. I wished for it. I had to go to work early tomorrow and I just hoped that she texted me back before I went to sleep. Who was I kidding? I wouldn't sleep unless I knew what was going on. I probably shouldn't be falling asleep while lifeguarding. That wasn't very guard like and probably not approved by the Red Cross.


	28. Chapter 28

_*Blackindiaink is the voice of Karma while I am the voice of Amy*_

 **The Karmy Diaries Continued…**

 **Chapter 28**

 **Amy**

The sick feeling in my stomach turned from nausea to excitement in the second I hung up that phone and left the hotel room. It was time to act, no more sitting in vans and waiting in bars.

In my mind I knew I could leave now and be in Austin in less than two hours as long as planes were moving and flights were cheap.

I rushed outside and saw Reagan there talking to a few other girls.

"Hold up. Where's the fire?" She joked.

"I need to go home," I said. I knew that the tour was always just an option. I wasn't locked in. I had no obligation. They weren't really paying me but they had been giving me food and a place to stay. If they made money they'd give me a little but we had no contract and they seemed used to be flaked on. It'd be okay if I left, I was sure they wouldn't mind.

"Oh," Reagan said, a smile creeping up on her and then dimming. "Well, okay then," she said, acting serious. "I'll go with you to the airport."

"You don't have to," I said. But she knew I was a minor and she had this protective side that had always been knight-worthy so I knew the chances of me going alone were slim to none.

"I'm going with you," she insisted. It wasn't an option, it was a fact.

"Okay," I said.

"Guys! I'm gonna borrow the van for an hour," Reagan yelled. "Amy's gotta get back home to 'er girl." She made it easier than I ever could. I felt the blush rising on my cheek at that last part. The girls cheered and gave each other high-fives. One of them even said something that vaguely sounded like, Pay up.

I was too preoccupied with my own embarrassment to really be sure though. Reagan turned back to me just in time to see the red in my cheeks.

"Don't say a word," I warned.

"What? I like this side of you Raudenfeld," Reagan smiled. "I knew you'd get here eventually, why'd you think I came down?"

To that I had no clue what to say. Somehow Reagan knew me well enough to know exactly how long I'd last on the road before running back home straight into Karma's arms.

"I don't get it," I said, pulling myself up into the passenger seat of the van and shutting the door. "Why'd you come here if you knew?"

"The other night wasn't just coincidence," Reagan smiled. She seemed almost happier about this than I was. "I didn't just randomly come to town. I came for you. For this."

"Yeah, but why?"

"What are friends for?" Reagan smiled, looking over at me and causing me to melt. "You needed protecting."

For the first time in a long time I actually felt happy.

 **Karma**

By midnight I fell asleep but I kept waking up. Amy's phone went straight to voicemail when I finally called her and then I waited thirty minutes and tried again and one more time after that. Then I just lay there and tried not to assume bad things.

Believing that she was coming to me was hard. I didn't want to be too disappointed if it wasn't true and I didn't want to think about her doing something with someone else. She had every right to do what she wanted but the way she was talking before she hung up was so positive.

I just couldn't help but freak out first one way and then the other. I'm not a patient person. I wasn't just worried about her doing something. Something could have happened to her after we hung up.

Nothing in my life was good right now and I needed Amy to be okay. She was my anchor. Getting through tomorrow would be hard.


	29. Chapter 29

_*again, blackindiaink is writing karma and i am writing amy*_

 **CHAPTER 29**

 **Amy**

Reagan parked the van in a visiting lot and went in with me. She helped me read the time boards that had departure times and destinations. There were three different flights leaving to Austin tonight and one of them was on Southwest so I knew it would be cheap.

"You sure about this?" Reagan asked.

"Yeah," I said, the hair on the back of my neck stood up and I felt dizzy.

Reagan walked up to the Southwest terminal and bought me a seat. When she came back she handed me the ticket and stared at me for a second.

"What?" I asked, there was something in the way she stared.

"Part of me was rooting for this and part of me was kind of hoping this would fail," she confessed.

"Oh," I said, feeling a bit of bitter-sweetness in us. I somehow knew, no matter what, we'd always be friends.

"Make sure she treats you right," Reagan said.

"I will," I smiled, tears coming but choosing to dancing in my eyes rather than fall. "Thank you," I said, hugging her close.

When she left I walked to my gate and sat down. I had to wait a little while and it felt like torture.

Being up in the plane was even worse. There was no one around me but somehow that aided in my restlessness. I felt like the plane was just floating in the air without moving. It was dark but I couldn't sleep. Outside the sky looked strange and I watched light on the wing blink through the thick clouds. That was the only sign that we were moving at all, the lit clouds by the wing. I tried not to be scared but I knew if there was a time for me to die, a time that would really make my whole life amount to nothing, now would be it and a I feared my bad luck.

We finally landed and I knew where I was.

I called an uber and had it take me straight to Karma.

I got to her house and let myself in the back-gate. I wasn't sure where she'd be so I checked Felix's room first.

Sure enough, she was there.

Felix, surprisingly wasn't.

Karma was just lying there on his bed, looking small and lonely.

She'd left the window wide-open, as if she knew.

I moved my bag through the window and dropped it down to the floor as gently as possible. Then I pulled myself up and inside.

I could smell Karma everywhere around me. I didn't even have to get close for that. Felix's whole room smelled like her. I breathed it in and shut my eyes as I stood in that room.

This was home.

She was home.

Quietly, and with very little movement, I pulled my shoes off and then my sweater. Knowing instantly what I wanted to do, Pulled the cover back from Karma's back and slid in behind her on the bed, wrapping her up in my arms and hugging her tight. All I'd been wanting since she left again was to do this.

I felt her in my arms and I felt as she woke.

 **Karma**

The bed moved or was it the covers. My brain said it was probably Felix but there was something different. The smell and the feeling. Arms closed around me and I was so wide awake.

"Amy?!"

I twisted in her arms and I saw her face framed by her hair in the low light. It really was her. I wasn't dreaming.

She smiled and was about to speak but I didn't let her. Kissing was better than talking. We had done enough talking. She opened to me and I just got closer, as close as possible.

This was real. She was home and I had her in my hands. If I had to give up everything else in the world to have this, I would. The comfort of having her with me was enough for me to live on.

She stopped the kiss but we stayed like that, close enough to keep on but taking each other in.

 **Amy**

I couldn't help my emotions. By the moonlight coming in and bathing the room, Karma was more beautiful than she ever had been before. I felt my body shaking and I hoped she wouldn't notice or mention it. I wasn't cold at all, that wasn't it. I was overwhelmed by her. I felt her hands and arms touching me. I felt her eyes seeing me.

"Are you crying?" She asked.

I shook my head no, and it was an obvious lie but I smiled to let her know that in this moment, no matter what it seemed like, I was so fucking happy.

Her eyes searched me. She was worried.

I brought my hand to her cheek and pulling her in, kissing her now, really kissing her. Before I was timid. Before I wanted her to feel safe.

Now it was my turn and I need her to love me, I needed it too much.

She kissed me and my head spun. She was so aggressive, so hungry. I felt a soft whisper escape me. I felt my body shake with her hand at my cheek and her thumb wiping away my tears.

 **Karma**

My poor Amy. It had been so long. She waited for this and suffered watching me with Liam and now I could finally show her and tell her.

"I'm so glad you're here." I kissed her again. This was my world come back. She was the needle on my compass. Without her I had no direction. I stretched my body against her like a cat looking for relief.

My hands slipped down and underneath her shirt and then up her back. I wanted her skin. "I love you," I whispered by her ear.

It took no time for her to relax into me, finding the rhythm. Nothing else had to happen tonight except this. It was new but not. I could touch her however without fear.

I reached up and pushed her arm from under her shirt. "Touch me," I said and she did. I lifted her shirt even more. "You should just take this off. I can keep you warm."

My shirt followed hers to the floor and she smiled at me, the tears having stopped. "Are you okay?"

 **Amy**

"Not really," I confessed. I'd seen her with her shirt off so many times but for a while now I hadn't allowed myself to stare.

I pulled myself back into her and turned my face into her arm. I kissed her skin and closed my eyes once she was in my arms again. Everything she did was overwhelming. Just seeing her right now was intense and the touching was something else entirely.

I would've been happy to hold her all night but she was doing things and I couldn't be upset about that. Instead I felt nervous and scared. I'd been holding back for a so long it felt intense to do anything, even just look.

When she'd whispered, "I love you," right into my ear I felt my whole body shiver, it felt like I was on fire and yet still needing her to hold me and touch me and make me warmer even still, warm enough to combat all my dark fears. I felt myself wanting to disappear into her, to somehow become a part of her so I wouldn't have to feel this way all confused and scared.

When Karma kissed me I lost myself. When she slid her hands down my back and ran them back up, pulling me in, I felt like I was finally being touched for the first time ever. I felt my air leave me. I felt myself give up. It didn't matter that I'd been touched before. It didn't even matter that she'd probably touched me before with her hands like this at some point in our lives. Tonight was clearly different. Tonight was about us both knowing that this was something _**more.**_

She used her hand to pull my hand up her side.

I watched patiently as she closed her eyes and sighed into the touch, her body breathing and searching for more air. She was just as aware as I was, about everything, about touch, sound, our mixed scent on the air, how it seemed that all of a sudden this was very very hot and very very real.

I didn't know what to do or say, I shut my eyes and rest my forehead on hers, simply happy to just be with her again and just be home.

I needed to breathe.

 **Karma**

It was too much and not enough. I couldn't think or breathe normally. My heart had taken off and I was pretty sure I was in danger of a heart attack. She stared at me, her eyes raking down from my face to my chest and my stomach. I swallowed and watched her eyes move like she was making me real.

"I've been thinking about this all day and I can't believe that you're here."

Our foreheads touched and we stayed like that for awhile but I wanted to do something I'd never done with her. Our touches had been innocent until now.

I nudged her with my hands, turning her onto her back and adjusted myself so that I was over her, looking down. When I imagined all of this it was her doing it to me but right now Amy needed this.

I tasted the skin of her neck and tested my tongue on the hard surface of her collarbone, loving the way my lips slid against the protuberance. She sighed and I kept going. I would only graze her breast with my hand and let it rest on her stomach. Going too far might be bad.

I switched to the other side, nibbling on her ear before I made my way down. I was pretty sure I would leave at least one or two marks but if she wore a t-shirt it would be fine.

I looked up and kissed her once on the lips, trying to gauge her reaction. Her body had been making small movements but for the most part the only difference was her breathing. I could tell it was affecting her but I had to make sure.

"Is this okay?"

 **Amy**

I wanted to laugh. My heart was racing.

Karma was tasting me little by little. She was teasing me within an inch of my control. If she pressed any lighter on any one of the surfaces she had just touched I probably would've screamed. Instead I made small moans and held back with the noise about as much as I could.

I didn't fly home for this. I didn't fly home in an attempt to be taken over physically. All I wanted was to kiss her and hold her again.

What she wanted was more of me. I felt myself growing hot and thin. I felt my air becoming shallow and the air around us cocooning in warm sticky heat.

She had asked me a question but I couldn't find words. Given everything I couldn't answer. She so thoroughly had me trapped beneath her.

Instead of speaking I just shook my head, yes.

My tears were gone. There was too much happening and my body still shook.

She hadn't mentioned it or even noticed. Already my muscles were sore from the shaking and the trying to find stillness.

When she leaned down again and licked at my neck I couldn't take it, I had to whimper, I clutched at her head with one hand, holding her lips into my skin, letting my fingers get lost in her hair and tug only slightly as I let out a weak wounded cry.

"Karma," I cried, with barely enough air to do more than whisper. My eyes were shut tight in the overwhelming pleasure of her tongue at my pulse. Every little taste was too much and though it hurt, because I had been sure before now that this moment would never come, I loved it, I loved every bit.

 **Karma**

My name sounded so different when she said it like that. She was asking me for something but I wasn't sure how to give it to her. So, I took my name as a yes to my question.

I pulled the covers up around us. She was shivering like she was cold but her skin was hot. I put my leg across her waist and sat there, looking at her, wondering how I had captured her heart when she was the beautiful one.

My hands settled on her stomach and I splayed my fingers out, moving them around and feeling how she shivered even more. How could I affect her like this? Wonder filled me up and my touch became more bold.

The edge of her bra was easy to lift up and I hooked two fingers underneath and ran the tips over her nipple. Her eyes opened and met mine. I bit the inside of my cheek to keep from moaning.

This was so intense. Feeling it was everything but I didn't want to go much further. Not without talking about it. We weren't ready. At least, not mentally.

"Amy," I whispered.

I was in heaven when she looked at me and then she bit her lip. That sent a painful thrum down between my legs. Her heat made me want to lay down and sink into her but I couldn't see her if I did.

"I want you."

I needed to tell her that. I wanted her to see the way touching her made me feel. I hoped that it was clear how badly I wanted this ache inside to be released. She was the only one who could help me.

 **Amy**

Just when I thought Karma couldn't possibly break me anymore. Just when I thought she couldn't possibly cause me to ache in any other way, here she was sitting on top of me and teasing me with every inch of her being. She was begging me in her own softness and her own heat.

I felt my shallow breath going in and out of me quickly. I felt my chest rising and falling, her fingers still resting teasingly just under my bra.

"I love you," I said, looking up at her, not knowing quite what to say.

I hadn't said it yet and I felt like an asshole.

She was doing so many things to me, both physical and emotional, and I still hadn't said it.

"Karma," I begged, feeling my pupils wide in my thirst and my need as I panted.

I felt her sitting over my sex and I felt how wet I was, how needy and weak. The pressure from her body was causing me to lose it. I wasn't even sure if she was aware.

Instinctively, as if to directly combat this pressure, I moved my hands to her thighs and squeezed.

Looking up at her, I watched as her eyes shot open wider and she gasped in surprise and pleasure, her mouth hanging open.

She hadn't been ready for me to touch her. Either that or she hadn't been expecting it. I slid my hands simultaneously up her thighs just a little bit more and I squeezed again, watching her eyes flare and then close and feeling as her hands moved up on my stomach as she suddenly needed to hold herself up or she would fall.

"What do you need?" I panted, watching her. She was too delicious like this. I didn't want to miss a damn thing. I felt a blast of strength all of a sudden and that had all to do with her being the one who was weak and feeling me for once.

 **Karma**

She asked me what I needed. "You," I said. All of her. Her heart, body, soul they were too much and I didn't deserve them but I wanted them. To keep her always would be one of the happiest accomplishments of my life.

I thought of her hands on my thighs and what they were close to now. I kept one hand on her stomach and moved the other to hers, drawing her hand around and guiding it to the waistband of my pajama pants.

I left it there and waited to see what she would do. If she went north we probably weren't going to have sex but if she curled her fingers inside of my pants and touched me there I would die.

Either way I would be happy. If we didn't do it we wouldn't last too much longer though. I couldn't. Everything so far had blown my past experiences out of the water.

At no time had Liam ever touched and turned me into a mess of nerves. Amy just putting her hands on my thighs loosened my entire existence. She had the power to destroy me without much effort but this wasn't a decision I could make alone.

Not thirty seconds before I told her that I wanted her. She knew how much. She had to know now. I couldn't even keep myself under enough control to remain upright when she moved her hands.

I waited, feeling the soft swipe of her fingertips right above the fabric of my pants. Which way would she go? It took forever but finally she made a move.

 **Amy**

I only had control and strength for a second before she surprised me again, taking my hand to the hem of her pants as if asking.

I stared up again and wondered what I should do. A huge part of me wanted to do anything she asked and then another part of me wanted to say no and stop and then another part of me wanted to surprise her and tease her until she begged me to stop. I wanted to do all the things at once. I wanted to be the giver and the teaser and the martyr. Being all three was impossible so I had to choose.

She looked down at me and waited patiently, her eyes curious. She was giving me control. She wanted to see what I wanted to do.

I took my other hand up to her waist, surprising her as I hooked a few fingers into her pants on either side of her waist quickly and pulled her forward into me so that she would be forced to fall down and lay flat on top of me. She had no time to catch herself and when her body hit mine, when her skin touched my skin, I gasped and felt all my air leave me again at once.

It felt too right to be beneath her like this. Once I gathered my strength I took a deep breath in and cupped my hand over the back of her head to rest on her hair, running the other hand from her bare shoulder all the way down her back until it rest at her waist and tugged down teasingly at the hem of her pj's.

I just wanted her to know, as ready as she thought she was, I could still surprise her and drive her a little bit mad. If she thought I'd be simple, like Liam, she was wrong.

She rest on my body and I felt my breath in her hair.

"You feel _**reeeeally**_ good," I gulped, trying my best to find some calm.

 **Karma**

It wasn't what I expected but it was still good. I lay on top of her, letting her do whatever she wanted to me. "You feel better," I teased. I knew she would hate that but love it at the same time.

That was the advantage of knowing her in every other way before now. I had a better idea than anyone else what she would like and what she wouldn't until it came to the physical.

I had no experience with her there beyond a few fevered kisses and wandering hands. Her breath teased my neck, making me squirm. I desperately wanted her to kiss me there.

Her tongue, her teeth, the thought of them on me. It caused me to turn my head like a request. She smelled good, like always. I didn't care what time it was or what I had to do tomorrow.

I wanted her to leave her mark on my skin, knowing that I was going to have to wear a bathing suit tomorrow. Everyone would see it and I didn't care. Her lips grazed my neck and her tongue peeked out to taste my skin but her teeth made me shake. "Harder," I gasped.

 **Amy**

She was begging for me, desperate. I had been keenly aware of her wish for me to leave me a mark but I wanted her to ask.

I was even about to ask her myself when she gasped needly. That was all I needed to know it'd be okay. If she wanted a mark I'd leave one.

I pulled my mouth away to tease.

Her whimper made me smile as I laced my fingers in hers and leaned in to lick her neck at it's most sensitive spot and suck at her skin just there, putting more pressure then she'd need for a mark. I felt her entire body tense on top of mine. And I felt her hand press mine down into the bed with the strength of her resistance.

She let out a gasp and I knew exactly what she was feeling. My other hand rest at the small of her back. She moved her hand out of mine and took it to my neck as soon as I stopped tasting her. As soon as I let go of her skin her lips were on mine.

She kissed me hard, her tongue forcing mine to calm and be lazy. My eyes were closed because she was kissing me so hard.

It only took three kisses before I was weak again and lost for words and control.

I felt her kisses slow at this. I felt her hand at my neck feeling my sweat and my pulse as it pounded.

She turned her head and let her body rest on mine.

I gasped for air, unable to get it under control.

"Shit," I gasped. I had no idea it'd be like this. We still hadn't even done much of anything but I felt as if she was sexually torturing me long and slow.

 **Karma**

"I know," I rasped.

As much as she felt I did too. It was like a continuous feedback loop of torture filled pleasure. We should stop and sleep but I didn't want to do that. I just got her back.

We were both so hot and sweaty now and I was completely wet through my underwear. My body was fried from all the input. The worry from before and the surprise of having her Amy here.

Her kisses and touch made me feel so alive but a natural decline had switched us over to some resting and cuddling state. There would be time for more. As long as she was here to stay.

I lifted my face from her neck and cleared my throat. "Are you staying?"

I pleaded with her silent but loud. I didn't just mean for the night. If she was going to leave again I wanted to know now so I could use the time wisely.

I knew if she said no that I would cry and I didn't want her to feel bad. She shouldn't. Coming all this way to see me was more than enough. This was why I loved her.

 **Amy**

She relaxed into me. I could feel her calming even though she was still wanting me.

When she asked that question my heart dropped.

"Of course," I reassured, moving a hand to the back of her head and holding her lovingly. "I'm surprised I even left in the first place," I wanted to laugh but instead I just smiled.

She warm body felt sublime on top of mine. It was nothing like Reagan, though Reagan had been very very nice. Karma's body was one I already knew in a way so holding her like this familiar but 100 times better.

With Karma it was like holding the one person who could ever mean the world to me. That's exactly what was happening now. It was no wonder it felt that way. Karma had always been my girl.

"You're everything," I said.

I could hear her sigh a deep heavy sigh. I wondered, worriedly if she had been more into it tonight thinking I might leave again. I didn't want her to think that. I didn't want her to feel the need to prove things to me. Just like I didn't want her to rush with the physical unless she was feeling it and wanting it.

She was so quiet now though. It made me worried.

"You okay?" I asked, holding her safe.

 **Karma**

She asked if I was okay. To begin to explain how much more than okay I was… it was impossible. I didn't even move. I was too comfortable just lying on her. Having my home back was sublime.

When she first showed up I was all crazy with want and need and now all the stress and tension was draining from me. I could relax for the first time since she left.

"Of course I am. I have you. Who needs a house and money when they've got Amy Raudenfeld," I finally answered.

I yawned and settled more into her, hoping that she wasn't uncomfortable in any way because I was absolutely going to fall asleep like this any minute.

Tomorrow would be interesting. I smiled when I thought of us together just as always but different. I wouldn't care what anyone thought. That was part of my past, always there to remind me of what was important.

"You're so comfortable," I muttered. "Best bed ever."

 **Amy**

"I feel like hot mush," I sighed. Karma was against me, her skin on my skin. I wanted to keep kissing her but it felt good to just let her be on me. It felt good to know that this was what she wanted from me while I was gone. I wanted the same.

I let my fingers slowly run up and down her back on both of her sides. I felt her sigh into me and nearly hum. When I touched her she felt so alive.

It was such a dream, to be this way. I had to try to stop myself from thinking about how long I had wanted her to be with me just like this.

I let my eyes fall shut as I moved my hands up her back and hugged her into me real tight. I felt like no matter what we could never be close enough.

"I'm so glad I came home," I said, sliding my hand up into her hair and wishing her closer. I spoke for my own good and still for hers. I needed her to know that I wasn't doubting her anymore. We didn't need to do anything for me to believe her. I came back just to be with her again. That's all I ever wanted really, even before.

 **Karma**

Perfection, this was it. "Whatever word is more than glad, that's what I am… ecstatic," I mumbled into her neck.

She hugged me closer and I smiled in the dark. My eyes drooped closed and my body went slack, sleep overcame my delight. There were no dreams I remember just happiness and comfort.

My phone alarm was what woke us. It blared, annoying and angry, into the morning. I slowly came to, reaching over to the nightstand to shut it up but I couldn't reach it and then I realized why.

I was in the exact same position as I was last night. On top of Amy, in her arms. I raised up a little so I could reach my phone and with bleary eyes I shut it off, knowing that I had to get up soon even though I wanted to just go back to sleep and stay there forever.

"Amy," I whispered, hoping that she wouldn't let me go back to sleep.


	30. Chapter 30

_*again, blackindiaink is writing for karma and I am writing for amy*_

 **Chapter 30**

 **Amy**

"Mmm…" I hummed. The sound of her voice upon waking was sweet like a memory. I had to remind myself that I was back. I had spent so many nights in odd hotels waking up with pillows on my face and sometimes even the girls were pressed up against me in the night when we were lacking for space. This was definitely better. I could feel Karma on me but I didn't want to open my eyes just incase I was wrong and it wasn't her.

I needed to hear that sweet memory and hold onto the thought of her for just a little bit.

 **Karma**

"Ugh, I have to go to work," I told her.

I really didn't want to but I couldn't not show up. I'd already stretched my luck pretty thin asking for days off to go see Amy. The only thing that would make it okay is if she was there.

"Do you want to go with me or do you want to go home and maybe come by later?"

I wouldn't blame her if she wanted to go home and sleep. That sounded like the best thing to do but I still hoped that I wouldn't have to give up her presence just yet.

There wasn't really much I needed to go do to get ready. My suit and sunglasses, a shirt and pair of shorts. They were laid out already since I knew last night that I wouldn't get much sleep.

That was before Amy showed up. I got even less than anticipated and yet I felt like I was more alive than I had been in months. Happiness bubbled inside of me and I leaned down, kissing her sweet and soft.

 **Amy**

I could hear her moving about the room. It sounded like she was changing her clothes. I kept my eyes shut to give her privacy just in case.

This morning was like so many of our mornings only different. It felt perfect.

She leaned in and kissed me softly. When she pulled away I opened my eyes and pulled her back down, kissing her harder, happy it was real.

I took my hand to her face and tenderly tasted her, wanting it never to end.

She laughed and pulled my hand down, laying ontop of me and staring down. Her eyes were so pretty. I looked down and noticed she was wearing a red bathing suit. Her hair fell down over her shoulders and rest on my skin.

"I want to go too," I said.

I knew she'd be sad if I stayed in bed or went home.

Our time together suddenly felt infinitely more important and crucial after everything. I was having pangs for sure. I felt that being without her was the stupidest thing I could ever do. I wasn't even gone that long, it was insane to be feeling so lacking in her presence when I had only been gone a few days.

 **Karma**

Work was fine. I basically stared at Amy the entire time, we talked, no one drowned and I got to think about what this would mean for us. Telling everyone was kind of a big thing.

Some of them might not believe us at first. My parents would be overjoyed. Farrah would not. No one would really be surprised though. We had been dancing around this for the better part of a year.

I just happened to be too blind to see it. My reactions to things made sense now. My jealousy made MORE sense now. I had to stop myself from getting distracted by Amy but that was asking too much.

She was finally here. I took a break and sat by the pool with her. We had dragged two reclining chairs near the tower and were sitting there partially shaded by an umbrella.

"So, what do you want to do tonight?"

I asked because I had hopes. We could always stay in and have a Netflix night. It wasn't like I had much money to throw around but maybe we could get some snacks and just chill.

I pursed my lips and tried not to laugh outloud. My plan was literally to Netflix and chill with Amy. That idea had never had so many dimensions of awesome to it. She looked at me, eyebrow raised, like she knew I was thinking something dirty.

 **Amy**

"I dunno," I lied, thinking about all the things I wanted to do. I let my eyes close as the sun hit me. It felt good to be back in Austin but strange to be by a pool with her that wasn't my own. For the first time in a long while I felt nearly listless. The only thing that interested me was her, being with her.

What I wanted to do was to touch her again but I couldn't just do that at the pool so I let myself give up and not care. Even now, her being inches away was too much. It was too painful to want her so I had given up while she was working and shut down allowing the sun to touch me everywhere and make me feel warm.

Now she was close with that question.

What I wanted to do involved being even closer.

I looked over at her and stared a little too long.

I bit my lip but it wasn't on purpose. By the time I noticed it, it was definitely too late. I was tired and I wasn't able to stop myself. I had let my eyes travel freely all the way down her body and then back up to her eyes. And all without noticing or thinking that she might see and I might be wrong. The sight of her in just her lifeguard suit and her small jean shorts definitely did things to me.

Soon as I caught myself I let my mouth hang open before I spoke.

"Ahh, what do you wanna do?" I asked, trying to cover, I rose my eyebrows just a tad. I knew that at the very least I seemed dazed and sleepy. Perhaps she wouldn't even notice. Perhaps she wasn't looking at all. Who can say?

 **Karma**

I couldn't hide my grin, even though I bit the inside of my cheek to try to stop it. Amy had never looked at me like that, at least I hadn't seen it. Not even during the disastrous almost threesome. To an extent she was always holding back and now she wasn't so much.

The admiration in her eyes was open and I wanted to keep them on me. Stretching was a good way to go about that. I finally sat down and focused on her, wanting to reach out and touch her cheek.

"I want you do what you want to do," I demurred.

My intention was backed by the rise of my eyebrow and my survey of her body. "You really should put some sunblock on. You want me to do it for you?"

Her eyes nearly popped out of her head and I chuckled. "No, but really. I just thought we could stay in." I shrugged. "At your house obviously and watching something in our pjs."

I reached over for the bag I kept by the guard stand and looked through it for the sunblock. If she got a burn touching wouldn't be so fun and I had plans for her. "Come here."

I scooted over, swinging my legs over the deck chair, reaching down to pull it over so I could sit. She cleared her throat and sat up, looking nervous as I squirted some of the white liquid into my palm.

She didn't move so I had to lean over and start rubbing it into her leg from her ankle and around to her calf. "Are you going to help me?" I handed her the bottle and smiled to myself as I kept rubbing slow circles on her skin.

 **Amy**

Karma had to know that, I was much too sensitive to her touch for her to be playing these teasing games.

The way she stared at me just then was definitely predatory before it turned to straight-up teasing.

I wasn't sure how I'd manage to ever calm down about her.

I'd been laying on this chair for hours, barely moving but still all I had to do was take one glance at her and I was completely turned on. And then she touched me and began to rub and my hormones skyrocketed. People don't really talk enough about how awkward it is to be completely obsessed with someone and attuned to their every breath and move.

"Maybe you shouldn't do that here," I said nervously, and she scoffed. From the look on her face I could tell she thought I was being ridiculous.

 **Karma**

It couldn't be that awesome. All I was doing was rubbing sunblock into her skin. Then I started to think about her doing it to me and my hands started to slow, but I kept on anyway, bold in the knowledge that I was affecting her.

"Why?"

I kind of wanted her to say it but I also knew she wouldn't. It would just come out as a garbled bit of explanation. "Is it bothering you?" She smacked me on the arm and I fell over laughing, the smell of sunblock and Amy strong. 

This was the best day ever. I didn't want it to end but it would and maybe there would be even better ones coming soon. I took the bottle back and stuffed it in my bag. It was almost time to go and I was eager to get Amy alone.

"Gimme like ten minutes to switch out and then we can get out of here." I stood up and looked around the pool, realizing that I'd been shirking my duty while I was enjoying Amy. My replacement emerged from the shower area and I almost clapped. I'm such a nerd sometimes.

After we got our stuff together and walked outside to start the mile long trip back to Amy's. So very awesome that it was so close. I began to think of all the times I could just go straight there from work. It was kind of dangerous and awesome at the same time. I could get drunk on Amy so easily. I already was but this was a new kind of addiction.

 **Amy**

The walk home was semi-awkward but only because I felt I could crawl right out of my skin any minute with how excited I was to be holding Karma's hand and also how nervous I was to possibly see Lauren and my mom.

I secretly hoped they wouldn't be home.

Karma had made it sound like a night in with me was all she wanted. And though it was still barely mid-day I was ready to start that night the second she brought it up.

Holding her hand as we lazily walked down the sidewalk, we exchanged frenzied looks that only left us both more anxious. I wished I had driven us to the pool. If I had driven us I could've kissed her as soon as we got in the car.

I also wished Karma had changed at the pool. If she had changed I could've followed her into the locker room and shown her what teasing like that does to me.

My thoughts wandered. I could've snuck up on her and turned her around, kissed her hard and pressed her back up against the cold of her locker. We could've had secret time.

Thinking about that while walking had a way of tripping me up.

 **Karma**

I could tell that we were both thinking the same kinds of things and just not saying it. The tension was almost visible. It would be easy to push her into the bushes that lined the road on one side. No one would see us and we could act out the things going through my mind.

We were so close to her house though. As tempting as the bushes were, there was a really nice bed in her room and an awesome lock on her door. If Farrah wasn't home we could skip the small talk and go straight up.

I chewed on my lip, trying to hold out. Her thumb kept rubbing on my knuckle and it had me cursing my weakness. Never before had she impaired my mind like this. I was becoming a slave to the hormones and it was confusing because this hadn't been true in all our years of friendship.

Questioning why didn't help me so much when she was walking beside me, looking all hot in her shorts.

"You never answered me about what we should do? If you don't want to stay in we can go find something else to do."

By then we were approaching her house and I couldn't tell if anyone was home because the garage was closed. She dug her keys out and opened the front door.

My dreams of being able to just sneak up to her room were totally exploded when we saw Lauren in the kitchen, decked out in an apron. Amy cursed under her breath and I smiled when I realized that we hadn't dropped each other's hands. Well, this was awkward.


	31. Chapter 31

_*again blackindiaink is writing for karma and I am writing for amy*_

 **Chapter 31**

 **Amy**

"Laurennnn! Hi!" I feigned excitement. We hadn't been gone that long but I was still happy to see her just not happy to see her right this second right here when I could _**NOT**_ be seeing her.

She noticed how weird Karma and I were and made the comment I was sure she _**would**_ make the second she saw our linked hands. "I see you two made up."

"Yeah… Yeah," I smiled, swallowing the extra saliva in my mouth. Karma had gotten me all mixed up somehow. My hand was sweaty and just her warm touch on my shoulder caused my heart to flutter.

She let go of my hand and hugged me across my collar bone, she wanted for Lauren to see that we were the same.

I kind of wanted to die.

I'd been craving Karma's body for hours and now I was getting it but Lauren was in front of me.

I felt my nipples go hard and I think Karma felt too since her arm accidentally grazed them when she was rocking me and trying to "act normal."

 **Karma**

I guess normal wasn't normal anymore because the moment I had my arms around Amy we both went straight to being a mess of arousal. I felt her nipples and quickly drew my arm back up to block them from Lauren's view and tried to turn Amy away from her, tugging her toward the stairs.

"Yeah, great to see you Lauren but Amy promised that she'd show me some.. ah.. pictures from her trip."

Amy was glaring at me and I widened my eyes and started to mouth something to her when Lauren interrupted.

"Wait! Why are you two being weirdos?"

She came closer and I almost peed my pants.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

We were both so freaking awkward when we were trying to hide something, which we weren't really. It was just that if we told Lauren what was going on… I don't know. We hadn't even really talked about it ourselves.

It was all kissing and feeling each other up so far. Probably way better than talking about it but we were going to have to at some point.

"We're just happy that we patched things up and will now be going upstairs to watch Netflix."

I grabbed Amy's arm and pulled her behind me, rushing up the stairs and wondering if she was going to follow us. Probably not, even her curiosity couldn't be that strong.

We got to her room and rushed through the door. Amy closed it behind us and flipped the lock, leaning against it while I threw myself onto the bed, sitting up on the edge.

"Alone, at last," I purred.

 **Amy**

Now in my room I could let myself be angry from all of that time.

"Do you have any idea what you do to me?! Like, ANY idea?!" I was leaning back on the door to try and brace myself. I really wanted to attack her. If she hadn't been so quick about it I would have thrown her back against the door and used her body as a barrier.

At this point I could care less what Lauren thought. This was about us. It didn't concern anyone else.

Karma had no clue. No fucking clue.

I felt my hand move up my face and my fingers run through my hair at the top of my scalp and tug to the side just a bit to let out some frustration.

I'd been closing my eyes to try and gather myself. To Karma everything was always play.

When I opened my eyes decidedly, I saw her there on the bed. She was on her side now laying across the bed with her head propped up on one arm and her knees tucked in just a bit.

She was teasing me. STILL!

 **Karma**

That little evil streak in me wouldn't allow me to not try to see how many ways I could make Amy want me. She had been holding onto this for so much longer it really wasn't fair but I wanted her to act on it.

"Why don't you show me?"

I rolled off the bed and unbuttoned my shorts, making the teeth of the zipper part as slow as possible as I walked toward her. "How am I supposed to know if you don't tell me or touch me?"

I might regret being so evil tomorrow but right now it felt good. I wanted her so much but seeing her want me was more intoxicating. I couldn't keep it up much longer. It was a matter of who would break first.

If she didn't kiss me when I got within her reach I would break and she would have me. This time I played it, forgetting the promise I made to myself to show her that my feelings were real.

This WAS real though. No one could fake this tension, the height of pressure in a volcanic eruption was the only thing comparable and the anticipation made me wonder how good it was going to feel to satisfy the urges I'd been getting ever since that kiss in the pool.

 **Amy**

I dunno what came over me. All of a sudden I didn't think, I just moved.

Karma had been in front of me, she'd been a few steps away and teasing me with her body. She knew how ridiculous I was. She knew I was the exact definition of a horny teenager. The way she felt about Edward in twilight was nothing to my newfound lesbian fantasies. I'd told her about fantasies I'd had about a certain lifeguard. She even read my fucking diary. For her to be standing in front of me in nothing but that barely zipped hoodie, that suit, and now UNZIPPED DAISY DUKES?!

Yeah, fuck no. This was not okay.

For once I acted before thinking. She was playing a game but we were at a place where games were insulting to me.

I took the two steps fast and pulled Karma's wrist so that her body would slam into mine and I could kiss her. Only I didn't just do that. I didn't just pull her close by her wrist and slam her into me and steal her lips and force her to taste me. I let my other hand be unmerciful. I let it do what it wanted, all those embarrassing fantasies and all. My hand on her wrist hit just a beat before my right hand took to her breast and squeezed it hard with no mercy.

It was a warning.

It was a fuck you.

It was delicious.

Soon as I kissed her I felt her moan a high-pitched moan of both weakness and surprise.

I instantly needed more of her.

Once I kissed her enough to quench my thirst and calm my anger, I could feel that her defenses were 100% down. I broke away and laid my forehead on hers as I let out a breath and tried to calm.

"Ask me again," I shivered though I was strong. The taste of her in my mouth was everything. All those months of dreaming of her kiss were finally paying off.

I could show her everything.

I could show her a lot.

But somehow the way we did things still felt a lot like fighting and that still scared me but I had to admit it was hot. It broke me apart and scattered me everywhere. When she touched me I felt pieced back together only slightly, cold wind blew through the cracks, she was the sun, all the heat and the cold of us made me shiver.

I wanted her to feel the way I felt because it hurt somehow and yet it was everything. I wanted her to ache in pleasure and pain. I wanted her as broken as I was, I wanted to take her apart one little piece at a time and then patch her back up as beautifully wrecked as she made me, and I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or if I should be scared. I wanted her shaky and cold, overwhelmed by my touch. I wanted her as serious as I was.

 **Karma**

She took my offer and reduced me to nothing. Her hands were all over me and her lips were the only other thing holding me in place. It was only sensation, so much so that I wasn't sure I existed anymore.

I was lost to her. From the moment that she put her hands on me it was done. I would never belong to anyone else. Not that I ever did. They were all warm ups. Sad for them but I needed to prepare for giving my soul to Amy.

We made it to the bed just in time. There was no way my legs would hold out a moment longer. It wasn't like the awkward high school fondlings and sex I'd had before. This was dancing, bringing a love into existence that was choreographed by fate.

My shorts were gone and I had no idea who took them off. Maybe both of us. I reached for her shirt, yanking it up to reveal the blue bikini top she wore. I'd picked it out, never realizing that someday I'd want to take it off of her like this.

She pulled the shirt off and threw it, frustrated with the impediment. I was too caught up in the way she felt to notice. She pushed me back onto the bed and grabbed the straps of my suit, pulling them down.

My breasts only had a second in the open air before she made contact. Her mouth was warm and wonderful. She knew what to do, what would make me want to die right there in her hands.

I let her take me in her mouth but I couldn't stop my hands from tangling in her hair and pushing her closer. Her hand teased my other nipple. It was too much. I wasn't going to make it any farther if she didn't slow down.

Amy was like a force of nature. My own little tornado, throwing my neurons around in two hundred mile an hour wind. I wanted to be whatever she needed, if only she would always touch me like this.

 **Amy**

I'd never been this hungry before. Not ever.

Sex was great. I loved sex.

Sex with Reagan was amazing. It always was.

But this…

Karma…

She'd been asking me and asking me and teasing me and teasing me and it was like she built me up just to burst and I couldn't take it I had to act, I had to feel her, I had to do all the things I had been wanting to do.

And that doesn't mean I always wanted her like this and just this. That wasn't it at all. This was so much more than just sex and that's why I fell into her so quick and tasted her so fast and took to cherishing every bit of her, every little bit.

Her wanting me changed everything. It altered my path.

I had to believe it first and that took convincing but now I was sure of her, I was sure because the way she fell back, sure because of her kind hand on my face and her breath being stolen, sure because there were no longer any questions about this, there was no longer a need for words, we weren't playing and we weren't kidding around.

I took her nipple into my mouth and sucked it, feeling how hard it was.

Karma let out a soft moan that I felt as it traveled down low inside myself and seemed to sound again in an echo that was movement and not sound.

I pushed her away from me, gasping for air.

"Baby, I want you too much," I said, keeping my eyes shut tight because somehow a part of me still didn't believe.

 **Karma**

"No," I groaned. She was hovering over me, stopped in her pursuit. Cold air filled the space between us. I wasn't going to let her do this. I needed this, needed her. "Amy, don't you dare stop now. You are almost literally killing me."

I took her face between my hands and matched her doubting eyes. "This is real. I want you like I've never wanted anyone else and I'm going to have you inside of me by the end of the night or I'm not fit to wear my homecoming crown."

I pulled her in and kissed her then, plunging my tongue past her defences in an effort to eradicate the lingering disbelief. I took one hand and pushed my suit down until it was at my waist and I tugged one of her hands free from the bed and moved it just under the makeshift lycra waistline.

She still needed convincing. I didn't blame her. It had been a long time of me telling her no and all of the sudden I was saying yes. It had blown her mind. She was suspicious by nature.

She finally took over and slipped her hand underneath the suit and into my center. I bucked, moaning into her mouth and trying to let her figure out what she wanted to do before I reached down to direct her hand where I wanted it.

There was no time to mess around anymore. If she didn't have me screaming her name in a few minutes I might cry from want of release. "Amy, please," I whispered against her. I pulled my head back to look her in the eye.

"Fuck me."

 **Amy**

If I thought her teasing had been breaking me before I was wrong. This was breaking me, this right here. We'd gone from nothing to everything, 0 to 60 at the lock of a door.

Her words were so set and so lovely. Her thoughts were so clear. I was drowning in her, drowning in her touch and her scent. I was drowning in the taste of things I had somehow known even though I shouldn't.

I moaned in her mouth when she kissed me. I moaned in her mouth and felt that at any moment I could break.

My hand was somewhere new. My hand was someplace warm and soft. When she'd kissed me and surprised me by moving my hand into her like that, I had no clue what to expect and no time to think. She knew. She told me she needed me. She told me not to stop.

My fingers felt instant heat and wetness. Instinctively I placed light pressure just there. Her whole body jolted, I felt her hips buck and her mouth open to let out a small whimper that sounded so new to my ears it nearly killed me.

"Fuck," I let out, not meaning to. I wasn't sure I could do it. Every time I imagined this I always imagined it'd be romantic and slow. Not that there was anything wrong with this. This was… This was definitely good.

But Karma was suddenly hell bent on getting me inside of her.

Just when that thought of mine began to hatch I felt her hand at my wrist, pushing me further down and then in.

I had no power. I wasn't even controlling it.

"Karma," I said, only it sounded more like a pained gasp, an odd question, than a word, because she was forcing me inside her, pushing me in and taking away my control. My mouth hung open, and my heart completely stopped.

We were doing this now. This was happening. It was no longer a question of if. I was in her. I was in her right now.

 **Karma**

Finally, she stopped resisting, stopped doubting. Somewhere in my mind I thought we should have done this differently but we were here and I couldn't stop. "Yes," I sighed.

She moved in and out of me, picking up pace and attacking my neck with her mouth. It was so different from anything before. Her hands were warm and she filled me up with two fingers. The way she curled them into me made my legs shiver.

The finite amount of time that we had until I reached release was approaching it's end. She was doing it in five minutes. Sad in a way but this had been building for awhile.

It wasn't only what she was doing to me with her hands and mouth. It was how Amy wanted me and loved me. That energy that came off of her and the desperate want in her eyes. It matched what I felt inside.

"Amy, Amy, Amy."

Her name flew from my mouth like a demand. The feelings inside of me were ordering her to bring me to the brink and throw me over. I wrapped my leg around her waist and pulled her into me, trying to get her deeper.

She panted, no longer able to do anything but give me exactly what I wanted. Her thumb worked it's way up to my clit and she rubbed. Once, twice, in little circles until I was flying.

Sounds escaped me, best described as a language I didn't know I knew. She made my body speak some dead language that I never knew existed before. For a moment I lost her in the light behind my eyelids but she crashed down on top of me like a wave of joy. Amy Raudenfeld had given me the best orgasm of my young life.

 **Amy**

Somehow I was still back at the start of this when it became clear to me that Karma was about to completely let go.

She said my name three times and each time I felt my heart beating hard in direct response. All I wished was to please her. All I wished was to be good enough to do that after all the love I felt.

She had pulled me closer into her with her heel at my back, forcing my fingers even deeper than I thought they could travel.

She had forced us close in such an intimate way I nearly frozen. She'd never been naked like this with me. I felt her ontop of me, felt her thighs at my sides and her skin on my legs. It was enough to keep me mesmerized for years if I had time.

But then I remembered myself and saw her eyes staring as they locked onto mine. Looking straight into her eyes I pushed hard and watched her expression completely change. She was so close and it was my fault. She was holding me and staring. I loved those eyes but now I wanted her to cum, I wanted it more than anything else because I knew she'd completely lose herself. That stare was just like the one before the threesome. She was stormy and feeling too many things. I had wanted to break her apart and right now was my chance.

"Yes," I let out, again, without meaning to. I pushed inside her faster pulling out only slightly before doing it again.

I could see it, her eyes closing and rolling back beneath the lids. I could feel it as I pushed into her, her whole body collapsed onto mine and she squeezed me close as I fucked her.

She was practically hugging me now but this was like no hug we had ever had before. She was holding onto me for dear life as I forced her into that space where all sense goes out the window and all you can do is feel.

"Karma," I gasped, wanting somehow to be even closer. She was teetering in that nowhere space and though I was causing it I wanted to be with her still.

My thumb circled twice against her sex and I felt her body stiffen and hold. There were sounds coming out of her, sweet almost murderous sounds. Then a rush passed my fingers as her walls tightened the most, warm water-like fluid puddled in my palm and I pressed it into her, letting it fall off of me and onto the fabric of my duvet.

Noticing her defeat, I pushed her onto her back, catching her head and gently leading it down as she tried to come down from her high almost away from me.

I needed to be kissing her. I needed her to know that I loved her, even now.

She was completely lost. Somewhere else. Her face was no longer serious but I needed her to notice me. I couldn't take any second of her forgetting I was here and it was me. I was so happy she'd let me do what she'd just let me do.

I cradled her cheek in my hand and kissed her other cheek long and slow and then her neck just the same and then her lips. I started at just one kiss but then I needed to pepper her with kisses everywhere, I needed her to feel me all over, one silly orgasm was nowhere near enough and it was in no way an end but a beginning. As I became excited and kissed her everywhere, I felt a rush in kissing her, a rush in the moment, a rush in knowing that she was here with me, that we weren't far away, that this wasn't some silly experiment. This was us. This was actually us.

I leaned down near her ear laying my body ontop of hers and trapping her beneath me just to feel her soft skin and the way she fought for air after all she'd just done.

"I love you _**soooo**_ much," I nearly whispered, cradling her face in my hand and forcing my forehead to press against the side of her face near her ear. I felt as she licked my hand until I moved it just enough. She took my thumb into her mouth and sucked it, sending shock-waves all through me.

If she didn't hold me or speak soon I would die. I had her tight in my grasp and I tried to concentrate on the sweet sound of her shallow weepy breath.


	32. Chapter 32

_*again: blackindiaink is writing for karma and I am writing for amy*_

 _*haven't really edited AT ALL*_

 **Chapter 32**

 **Karma**

Tasting myself on her fingers was interesting but not as good as her reaction. "I think you just killed me." My smile felt permanent like my feelings. I wrapped my arms around her and took in our smells mingling, arousal, Amy, me, and laundry detergent from the sheets.

"Seriously though, I can't move," I laughed. I was shaken. It was like the time I had pneumonia but way more euphoric. Right now I could not trust my brain. "I wanna do that again but ya know… later."

Right now I just wanted to touch her back but my limbs wouldn't obey. This was a game changer. Proof positive that I was head over heels. I probably had been for a long time. I just was too dense.

I opened my mouth to tell her that but someone pounded on the door. My eyes shot open wide. It had to be Lauren, right? "Help me," I urged, trying to get my bathing suit back up and the straps over my shoulders. Thank god one of us had the foresight to lock the door.

"Amy? Sweetie, Lauren told me you were home."

 **Amy**

"Oh God," I muttered.

All of a sudden I realized where we were.

"Just a minute, Mom!" I called.

"Why's your door locked sweetie. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm just changing!"

"Well, alright, I guess I'll wait for you downstairs muffin. When Lauren text me I left work right away and came home with donuts! Don't be a stranger, alright?! I wanna hear all about that trip of yours!"

"Okay Mom, sounds great!" My voice squeaked at this point and Karma laughed. I covered her mouth with my hand and gave her a deep warning stare that turned from serious to soft in the instant our eyes really met.

Footsteps sounded away from us down the hall while we stared.

"Sorry," I mouthed guiltily, pulling my hand away.

She took my hand back up to her mouth with both of her hands, shook her head to tell me not to be sorry, and then she kissed the center of my hand sweetly, closing her eyes to relish the taste and the feel.

My body unraveled a little when she used her tongue to trace small circles in the center of my palm. Then she licked my hand from the center of my palm to the edge as she let my hand drop down so that she could breathe. She seemed overwhelmed by everything but in a strange way, I'd never seen her like this before.

She still had her eyes closed and she sighed as if even breathing affected her. It was like moving was difficult now, for her. Every little move she made seemed to affect her just like my touches had done before. Her body was overly sensitive now to every little thing and I couldn't tell if she was trying to feel it or trying to shut it down.

I watched her sit carefully and nearly sway. A queer smile covered my face and I realized it was all because of what we had just done. I'd given her the kind of orgasm that sort of breaks you.

That was a delicious thought. My mother aside, I was hungry for her still, especially hungry to taste her like this.

I used a hand to pull her in and kiss her, cupping her neck with my hand and stealing her lips in my own, tasting a bit of her new secret taste that had been expertly laced on her tongue and her lips, a bit of her sex, sweet and poisonous as it was, I kissed her harder needing to drink her in. I felt how much I wanted her, felt how much I loved her in every way. I felt too much.

This was no drill.

My heart pounded and the need for air escaped me entirely as I kissed her within an inch of my life, needing her to fill me up still.

 **Karma**

Amy kissed me like the world was about to end. I'm not sure that's how I can accurately describe it. I feel like my world easily could have ended if she hadn't come back. That's super dramatic but it's honesty. If she decided against being with me I'm not sure I would have been happy for a very long time.

She knew so long before I did and now we have a lot to make up for. The epiphany of my love turned my already upside down world another one hundred and eighty degrees. I'm sure I can't express it right but I want to shout it from every roof.

I love Amy Raudenfeld and I do mean like THAT. One step at a time. Farrah knew Amy was home but she didn't know I was here. It wouldn't surprise her like the locked door had. Where Amy went I went. I swallowed, still stuck in the kiss that had just ended.

"I guess we should get this over with."

I assumed we would tell her. She wouldn't be that surprised. She could be. Amy probably hadn't even told her about everything that happened between us. She knew some of it from just being there. I flushed when I thought of her seeing Liam jumping from Amy's balcony. At the time I'd thought I was more pissed because she had slept with Liam but I think it was because Liam slept with her.

She asked me if I was okay. I smiled. "Yeah, of course." I couldn't tell her what I was thinking about . Our reunion had gone so well, far beyond my expectations. "I guess we should go see your mom. You know before we start our official hang out night."

There wouldn't be much hanging out going on. I didn't care if Farrah was home. That's what pillows were for. I was pretty sure I could stay quiet enough. It felt so scandalous to think of it that way. Right under their noses and all. Every time I looked at her it was all I wanted to do though. Keeping my hands off of her while we were downstairs was going to be the challenge.

 **Amy**

Karma seemed flustered. I couldn't blame her. I sort of attacked her. And then she sort of attacked me.

Given everything, she was probably as surprised with herself as I was.

But my mom was downstairs and we'd blown-off Lauren and this just wasn't the time for us to be doing… Well… THIS.

NOT THAT IT WAS BAD!

I got up off the bed and tugged Karma up to come too. She slid right into my body. Now that we were a couple we were reeeeeeeeeeeally a couple.

People had to notice.

But I was kind of hoping they wouldn't and we'd still look the same.

The last thing I'm interested in now is publicizing our relationship and using it as some Hester gossip tool or whatever you could call what had been doing before.

This wasn't fake. And this wasn't anyone else's business.

I took the few steps to the door, let go of Karma's hand and walked out to say hi to my mom.

Down the hall I didn't feel like a new person at all. But I did feel happy.

For once.

"Oh Amy!" I heard my mom exclaim as she pulled me in for a hug.

Karma was following close behind me and I could feel her just hovering in the room.

"And Karma? I didn't you were here sweetie. No wonder you were takin' your time in your room. You two probably had a lot to talk about," my mom was looking at Karma but still hugging me. I worried about what Karma might say.

"Just a little," I said, pulling away from my mom.

"Oh honey, let me look at you," she said, surveying my skin. "You're all tan and tall!" Mom always liked to flatter me. Eventhough she knew I couldn't take it. My cheeks flushed red.

I felt Karma come close and take my hand in hers.

"Her videos are pretty popular from the tour," Karma interjected.

"Are they now?" Farrah asked, looking down with a queer smile. She must've noticed Karma's hand on mine and Karma's body language. Honestly though, Karma and I were always sort of touching each other like this before.

"Yeah, they're okay," I said, taking my hand away from Karma and rubbing my arm. When I looked over to Karma she seemed a bit sad.

I felt myself internally groan.

"Well, why'd you come back so early then sweetie? Wasn't this supposed to be your SUMMER OF CHANGE?!" Mom quoted some bullshit I had enthusiastically said to get her to give me permission to go.

"I just… Realized it wasn't where I wanted to be," I said truthfully. I couldn't chance a look over at Karma at this point. There was no way I'd survive.

 **Karma**

I shouldn't expect her to just tell her mom. We haven't even discussed this yet. It still hurt a little. Farrah was used to us being close so there was a good chance she wouldn't notice anything strange.

"And now we can spend all summer together. You know, when I'm not working."

I felt Amy sigh beside me. My chipper tone covered for the nervousness I felt. My tendency to panic was edging up on me. Amy might be in love with me but that didn't mean she wanted everyone to know we were together. If that even was the case.

"Anyway, it's nice to see you, Farrah," I ventured.

"Oh, you too Karma," Farrah said.

Her voice changed tone a little in that way that Southern women's voices do when they're not actually enthusiastic about something but are trying not to show it. Getting her to like me as much as she did when we were kids was impossible. Between my parents and how she related Amy's liking girls to me, I was doomed.

She would never see me as quite a suitable friend but Amy did like to break the rules of convention that Farrah held so dearly. She would never be the pageant entering, Southern belle that Farrah was when she was a teenager.

"So, we should get going. Lots of Netflix to catch up on," Amy enthused.

She was nervous as a cat as she pushed my hand off of her arm again. I frowned. This was going to bother me for the rest of the night. First she leaves me at the worst time in my life, understandably, and now she was being really weird about us.

 **Amy**

"Karma's right mom, it was a long trip back. All I really want to do is hangout and have a normal day or two." I could tell that Karma was obviously peeved. But this was my mom. She deserved more than just a, HI HOW ARE YOU- OKAY BYE! This wasn't Lauren we were dealing with. My mom always made time for me, always.

"Oh, alright," she said. But I could see that she was depressed at the thought of me just leaving the conversation there so I walked around to her and hugged her side.

"I'm kidding, mom," I said, taking a donut from the box and biting it happily. "Sit! I've been dying to tell you about this one place we played. Has Lauren shown you any of my videos?"

Karma sat down reluctantly and I tried not to be depressed at the sight of her noticing how I skirted the truth about us, even if just for the sake of things feeling normal again. All I want is for things to feel normal. How can she not get that?!

My mom was so happy. She did that thing where she started laughing too much and smiling so much her face hurt. The more I talked the more she loved me and I could tell.

Her phone rang after we talked for at least a half hour.

Karma was listening to my stories but I wasn't sure if she was even interested and that actually really hurt. I wanted to know everything about her life while I was away but I was a little scared to ask. And here I was telling all my stories, the more I spoke the more down Karma seemed.

At one point while my mom was watching one of my videos I picked Karma's favorite donut from the bunch and walked it over to her. I snuck up sweetly behind her and handed it to her over her shoulder, hugging her up tight around her collarbone and the top of the chair. I leaned in sweet so I could whisper.

"I'm sorry, okay? It's just not the right time."

She seemed to cheer up after that but I couldn't be sure how horrible I'd fucked up, not really.

Lauren came out of her room halfway through our on-and-off laughter and banter.

It was a Raudenfeld-Cooper affair, I sat close to Karma and held her thigh under the table, hanging my other arm over her chair and feeling her alert tenderness.

My favorite part was when Karma actually started to talk a little. she made jokes about me and Lauren and my mom both laughed and looked at her lovingly. I could take them laughing at me if it meant they'd like her more.

It was the perfect day, really, the perfect day.

 **Karma**

The gesture made me feel less freaked. Anxiety got the better of my faith in Amy. I just needed to hear her say something. I thought it was impossible not to be happy with Amy home but I was a little sad now.

Fear crept in on me. All the reasons I was afraid of this relationship never went away. I just knew that this had probably been my last chance. If I hadn't gone after Amy when I did, I don't think she would have let me in like this ever. Still, when I was scared or unhappy with exactly how things were going and I didn't want to freak Amy out there weren't many people I could go to with it. Amy had always been my best friend and now I couldn't go to her with certain things.

That was scary. Normally, I'd just pull her aside and ask her what she thought but now there was a lot more riding on those conversations. If I wanted this with her and I so much more than did, I would have to suck it up.

We joked around a little with Farrah and Lauren. I don't think they'll ever think I'm great for Amy but at least they seemed to like me a little more. After dinner we went up to her room and as soon as she closed the door I pinned her against it.

"I just kept thinking about this the whole time," I whispered.

She gave me this glazed, half-drunk look right before I kissed her. I loved that feeling of intoxicating her. It wasn't just physical I could feel her mind giving into it. We are each other's addiction.

 **Amy**

The last thing I expected after that talk with my mom was for Karma to want to touch me again.

"Yeah?" I asked, needing to know it was true and not some trick.

When she kissed me I felt taken by her. It seemed she was so good at that, taking me away.

I wanted to kiss her to, the whole time, but my mind was racing with insecurities somehow. I thought I'd hurt her. I thought I'd torn her up with my insistence that we wait to tell our truth.

I dunno, it felt somehow necessary to me, waiting. I didn't want anyone else in on this, on us, not this time.

Karma pinned me to the door and kissed me. I felt her hand at my neck and her other on my hip bone teasing me her thumb dragging and pushing down onto it.

I suddenly remembered how we were just an hour before. I remembered being inside of her. I remembered her body as it shook.

I was most definitely in trouble.


	33. Chapter 33

_*last chapter before significant time jump*_

 _*warning, m content*_

 _*blackindiaink is writing for karma and i am writing for amy*_

 **The Karmy Diaries: Ch 33**

 **Karma**

I backed away and watched her follow me like a victim in the thrall of a vampire. So, she didn't want to tell her mom yet, I could get that. There were a lot of things that I avoided telling my parents and the history of her mom accepting things like this was rocky.

Maybe I didn't want to really deal with Farrah right now either. Not when I couldn't seem to stop kissing Amy and wondering why I hadn't been doing it for the last two years.

"So, what do you want to do?"

My eyebrows rose like I didn't know what she was thinking right now. I could see her undressing me with every flick of her eyes. There were times when she kept it veiled but I could tell. She wanted me as much as I wanted her.

"We could watch a movie."

I spun slowly, walking around the bed, touching the duvet and running my fingers along the soft cotton. "Or we could netflix something." I pushed down on the bed, testing it like I hadn't slept in it a thousand nights before.

When I turned, finally ready to see her eyes, I wasn't disappointed. "Or did you have something else in mind?" My stomach flipped but I kept my hands still. They would tremble if I let them. Thoughts of her hands all over me made it hard not to reveal my hand. Which one of us would break first. I always thought it would be her but I was more driven by impulse.

We were both stubborn. She more than I in most moments. Yet, I could sense a willingness to play the game. She had waited for so long and I wanted to give her what she wanted but wasn't this part of it?

 **Amy**

She was playing games with me, definitely playing games. I'd seen this side of her so many times, yet, it was somehow never like this. This was different, painfully different. She knew I ached for her and she knew it well.

For the most part it was hard for me not to react. Karma was so fucking good at reading me. It killed me sometimes.

Right now, I could tell she knew I wanted her. I'd tried to keep it underwraps but she was playing with me too much, pushing buttons that so desperately yearned to be pushed by her and only her.

"Seems to me, you're the one with something else in mind," I teased. I walked in front of her and got down on both of my knees. "Is this what you want?" I asked. I knew it'd drive her mad if I touched her in places she wasn't thinking about. I let my hands slide behind her ankles and slowly raise up over her calves and under her knees as I sat up and slowly pulled myself into her. I felt her body come close, her composure slipping without question, she was so easy to tease.

I bit my lip and waited for an answer, watching her all the while and wondering what it was she really wanted and what it was she'd really really like.

 **Karma**

So, she was playing. Her fingers made me start, muscles jerking when her fingers first touched me. My tongue slipped out to sweep across my lips and I pulled it back inside my mouth. I wanted to bite it, to hold out against what she was doing to me.

I'd never realized how it would be. So unlike anything I could have dreamed up. She kept looking at me as she touched the skin of my calf. It shouldn't be sexy to touch someone there but it was when Amy did it.

"You're the one touching me," I pointed out

With her mother and Lauren downstairs it would be weird to do anything but I didn't want to give in anyway. "Hey," I sighed as Amy's fingertips brushed my thigh. "That's so not fair."

I knew that soon I would beg her to get closer so we had to stop. "Maybe we should… ya know… stop for awhile." A giggle escaped me and I hated how it sounded. I wanted to be sexy and confident not lame.

"Just come up here and lay with me and we'll find something to watch." I couldn't promise that I would totally keep my hands to myself but she didn't know that. At least she didn't know it for sure.

 **Amy**

"Ooookaaaay," I sighed. I let my hands drop away as I pushed myself up and away from her. "Your call."

Sometimes games were fun. Sometimes not so much.

I walked around to my dresser and dug around for something a little more comfy to wear.

She asked me what I was doing and I waited a second to answer her. I knew it would drive her up the wall if I pretended to be a little mad.

"I just… Feel like changing," I said, a tilt of annoyance in my tone.

I pulled my hands down and kept myself quiet. I threw my shirt off and pulled a large over-sized flannel out that my dad had left last time he was around. With my back turned I ditched my bra and pulled the flannel on, buttoning it just a little in the center

It was hard not to smile to myself. I knew being cold would get to her. Still, I felt my hands shaking. It was still all too new, knowing I could touch her, knowing that she wanted me to.

There were two routes I could take now.

I could go on with the night and pretend I didn't want to just be touching her.

Or I can be extra quiet, move a whole lot less, sigh a lot more, let myself feel frustrated, and act a bit put out by it all.

Normal I would go the first route and let Karma lead. Things with us were different though now. Before I tried never to take route number two. Before I hated to take anything out on her. Right now though? Something told me Karma would like it if I did…

I ran my hand through my hair and readied myself for whatever was to come.

 **Karma**

Now, I knew how Amy felt when I would strip down in front of her. I swallowed the lump in my throat wondering if she knew what she was doing. She wasn't used to me looking, I supposed, but I was. If she turned around she would see and I wouldn't deny it.

I wanted her to catch me. It would make her less frustrated. I could tell that she was by the tone and the way she turned away. Still, I didn't want to directly address it. Maybe I would just give her a little something extra while cuddling.

I patted the spot on the bed next to me and smiled up at her, hoping that it would help put her in a better mood. My goal was never for her to feel bad. It just seemed to be something that I was unintentionally good at.

The remote sat on her nightstand and I grabbed it while she sat down, settling close to me but not quite touching. I turned on the TV and switched through channels. "So, netflix or something dumb on TV?"

I switched the channel to HGTV where someone was remodeling something, knowing it would soothe Amy's mood. "Oh look, they're tearing out a wall… your favorite!"

 **Amy**

Two seconds ago she had been looking at me like she wanted to devour me. Right now though she was right back to treating me like I was nothing more than a friend.

I settled down next to her and made she to put some space between us and keep my hands to myself. What I did do though was cough a bit and clear my throat near her ear. I let myself breathe heavier than normal and then sigh. All I had to do was remember what it had felt like before to be touching her and then wonder why the hell we would be doing this now instead of that.

"It's good," I said, knowing it'd bother her if I had no reaction at all. I pulled my phone off the nightstand and began to play with it. I wasn't really interested in watching tv at all. I was actually sort of curious to see how Reagan was. But I wouldn't tell Karma that. She'd freak.

Now was a good time to look real quick though. I pulled up facebook and scrolled.

 **Karma**

Out of the corner of my eye I watched her pick up her phone and start to look at Facebook. A spark of anger ignited in me. She was acting like a child, which was usually my thing. I wasn't quite sure where it was coming from either. I laid back so I could see what she was looking at exactly and my eyes nearly bugged out of my head. A photo of Reagan flashed onscreen and I felt the air go out of my lungs.

No way was she here with me and looking at that picture. I reached out and took her phone, lunging across her to put it back on the nightstand. "So, maybe TV isn't the best idea." When I brought my hand back across from setting her phone down I let it graze along her side.

I was almost fully on top of her and I let the weight of my hips press down into her. Maybe a concrete reminder of why she had come back would help. I heard the shrill buzz of a saw in the background as I leaned in to place a light kiss on her lips.

 **Amy**

Karma has gotten angry just now. She'd gotten jealous and for once that was okay because for once we were actually a fucking couple.

For whatever reason, hope sprang up in my chest as she tackled me and stole my phone away. I felt her body taking over mine and trapping me.

She leaned in, her eyes challenging me but drinking me in. My eyes closed as her eyes moved to look at my lips and then kiss them. I felt her dipping down into me as her hand pushed at my side, her thumb pressing into my stomach and combining with the kiss to drive me insane.

She leaned back. She was pulling away.

"Oh, no you don't," I said, using a hand to pull her lips back down onto mine. When I had her this time I used my teeth to tug at her bottom lip as I pulled to keep her down with me. My whole body flooded with sensation. I felt her needing her hands to brace herself and give me what I wanted.

For once, her jealousy more than turned me on.

 **Karma**

I forgot about whose picture she had been looking at the second she nipped at my lip with her teeth. It was so much more than hot. There was no defence for a feeling that hit you with such force and out of nowhere.

My mind was reduced to the sum total of what I could touch and feel. Those teenage hormones I always heard about in action. The fact that she pulled me back… her forcefulness was new. It was perfect.

No one had ever been that way with me. Not that I had a lot to compare to but in my limited experience Amy lit me up like the sky on the 4th of July. Our history was always leading to this.

It was obvious after everything that was happening. I pressed her back into the soft mattress and moved a hand under her shirt. I had seen her breasts before but I'd never wanted to touch them quite like this.

I can remember being curious about the differences between us but now I just wanted to touch them, taste them. I wasn't prepared for it, such a change from my denial of the past. Had she wanted to do this with me from the moment we first kissed?

I kept hoping she would take the lead but it was usually my job in our relationship. This time I needed her to be the one taking me but how do you tell a girl that when you're practically mauling her boob with your hand and her tongue is in your mouth?

 **Amy**

I could never get used to this. It was too good.

Not sure why or how but after I pulled Karma down her hand someone found it's way beneath my shirt.

She kissed me hard as her hand crawled it's way up to my breast and squeezed. I nearly died in the kiss. How could I act normal? This was never us? My whole body shuddered. I felt like an old car trying to start or something. Only difference is I'm human and humans have reactions that a machine just can't have. Sure a machine can shudder and leak but I felt every move intimately in a way that was nowhere near routine. Every move of hers sent a tremor down my spine.

"You okay?" She asked.

"Uh-" I couldn't talk. I placed my hand ontop of hers and squeezed, my breath escaping me again. I wanted her to know how good it felt, what she'd just done felt unbelievably good. I wanted her inside me so badly.

With the sound of that stupid chainsaw again I'd had it. I rolled over and flipped her around until I was ontop of her. Something in me was done waiting, done playing games. No matter what we did we were always getting interrupted and stopped.

I kissed her like time was running away from us like maybe I would never ever get to kiss her enough. My leg pressed down between hers and as I kissed her I let my body drag up until I heard her gasp in my mouth.

 **Karma**

She was on top of me stretching her body against the length of mine. Friction rid me of any further thought and hand my hand that was on her breast slipped down, pushing at the waistband of her pants. I wanted inside but it was hard since we were so close.

I fumbled a little, finally slipping past. My fingers skimmed the top of her center and she jerked a little. It was too much. I flipped her back over and slipped down, drawing her pants off in quick jerks. Her legs moved, trying to help me but our movements were at odds.

I threw the pants once they were free of her legs. The sound of them hitting the wall and sliding to the floor was utterly satisfying. Not as good as the sound Amy made when I leaned over her in the next second, breathing hot air over her inner thighs.

Maybe it was crazy but I just wanted to dive into her. I was working on instinct and nothing more when I grabbed her legs, pulling her closer and put my tongue to her slit, drawing it up and then parting her lips to find her clit. Her reactions, the way she squirmed, made me strengthen my grip and wait a second before drawing my finger in the same path that my tongue had just taken.

 **Amy**

"Holy fuck!" I barely breathed out. My throat was stopping me from speaking as my whole body tensed. My hands scrambled to try and push myself away. Her touch there was waaaaaay too much. I nearly came instantly.

"Oh God," I gasped out once she moved enough away for me to breathe. It was no use though, she knew I was into it and I'd be done for soon no question. Instead of the surprise of her soft tongue I felt the slightly harder pressure of her finger flicking at the place that once teased would surely cause a flood.

I whimpered out loud as her finger moved past my clit. I felt her other hand on bracing my hip and making sure I couldn't leave. My body screamed.

I didn't know what she'd do to me but even after all this time I knew I probably wasn't ready. If I had time right now I'd probably have an orgasm just thinking about what had just happened. Karma had tasted me, she'd done something I was sure she'd never think to do.

I was so so wrong. And that was definitely alright with me now.

But I was deep. I felt her moving about and tried hard to keep it together and just breathe. Any more of that would surely break me.

 **Karma**

I kept her with me and it didn't take long. I was surprised, expecting to not be very good at this. It probably wasn't that I was good, just that Amy was sensitive.

My finger trailed down and I sank it slowly into her and back out. I paused and she whimpered so I kept going. In and out, building a pace that was joined by my tongue on her clit again. She made delicious sounds as I assaulted her.

The taste was like nothing else. My fear of not liking it was gone, replaced by instant love of making her feel. She was moving again, arched up and I could tell she wasn't breathing for a second. I moved faster and pressed deeper into her.

She cried out above me, making my head flick up to watch her face. Her hands came down, clamping over her mouth and she shook like a leaf as she sank back to the bed.

Her hand came away from her mouth to stop the motion of mine. A curious kind of satisfaction edged with want urged me to just watch her recover from what I had done. Should I be happy that it didn't take that long when all I wanted was to still be tasting her?

I pulled my finger out of her and put it in my mouth, not knowing why but liking the sensation. She looked down at me and I had no idea what she was thinking. For once I couldn't even guess.

"Was that okay?" My shoulders scrunched and a little hopeful smile came across my face. If she said no I would be crushed but I had to know.

 **Amy**

Was that okay…

Was that OKAY?

…

WAS THAT OKAY?!

I felt like jumping up and lunging at her but my whole body needed time. I was so spent that my eyes were even being stubborn but I managed to open them and look up at her. She looked so cute on her knees and just waiting.

"Karma…" I sighed, my head shaking back and forth. She had no idea how embarrassing it was that I came so fast. She had no idea how great that felt to have her inside of me. And SHE WAS GOOD! WHAT THE HELL?!

My eyes shut again and I held at my head.

I realized only a moment later that I hadn't answered her.

"Karma… You don't even know…" I tried to form words.

All my thoughts stopped when I felt her body move up over mine and her lips meet mine. I wasn't expecting her to taste so much like my sex. I hummed into the kiss and felt her kissing me deeper. I slowed her down but let her keep tasting me. My hand went to her naked side and the touched of her skin helped to calm me.

"Why do I want you so bad," I asked, wondering, once she had finally stopped long enough to rest her head on my shoulder and let me relax.

 **Karma**

"Because I'm adorable and have great hair?" I chuckled against her neck and enjoyed the feeling of my lips grazing her skin. It was okay now that Amy told me that it wasn't bad. I almost had a heart attack when she didn't say anything.

All of these images of her taking her hand away from her face and giving me that disappointed look just flew through my head. She was telling me the truth. I knew that. I just didn't expect it to be that hard to tell.

I always knew with Liam because, well, it was just obvious. He was always less worrying. Even if at the time I had a lot of anxiety about him wanting me. With Amy it was even scarier.

If she didn't want me anymore I had so much more to lose. It was the difference between real love and infatuation with an ideal. Falling out of love with Amy was impossible because I loved everything that made her up.

I knew her better than I knew myself. She was my rock. Without her I would be so lost and I almost was but she came back to me. I snuggled into her body and clutched my arms around, never wanting to let go or lose this moment.

"I could ask you the same question, you know?" Even if I was a little late coming to the game… okay a lot late. It was still impossible how deep my need for her went. "I love you," I whispered.

 **Amy**

We'd reached a new level. Karma's whisper made me shake nearly as much as her fingers deep inside.

"Fuck…" I tried to calm down.

Her hand snaked onto my stomach and rest on my abs. I moved my own hand over hers to keep her from moving. I couldn't take much more. The more she touched the more I ached.

"Was that a good fuck or a bad fuck?" Karma asked.

"A good fuck, believe me," I sighed. I wasn't surely talking about the word and the action. I really hoped that she knew.

I pulled her hand up to my mouth and used my tongue to pull one of her fingers into my mouth and sucked on it before breathing a heavy breath out.

"I think I need to recover," I said, my eyes still closed as I tasted her soft skin in my mouth.

The chainsaws had stopped but there was hammering now.

"Not so sure about this show," I said, trying to focus on something mundane. Even the taste of her finger made me wet. Without meaning to I felt my legs move just a bit as I let out a small moan. Karma was halfway on me and halfway off. I wondered when I'd calm down.

 **Karma**

I stiffened when I felt her tongue rake up the length of my finger but when she sucked lightly, taking the last of her own flavor into her own mouth my body tensed with arousal. Again. She was doing it again.

There was no time in between me wanting her and not. Then she said something about the show that was on and I just laughed. A real laugh. It had been awhile since I could let that out. "Well, we should change it to something less home improvement and more interesting.

I could care less what was on TV right now. All I needed was right here. I wanted to get closer so I adjusted myself and shifted a little more onto her than I was before. There wasn't too far to go until I was right on top of her and that was a good thing.

I let out a sigh and cupped her cheek. "How did this happen?" What I really wanted to ask was why had she come back and taken a chance on me. I'd messed up so many times but here she was again. I couldn't forget that. There would be no taking her for granted this time.

"I'm lucky. I just want you to know that I know that," I finished.

 **Amy**

My heart stopped a moment. Everything stopped. I didn't realize it but I'd been holding my breath. All of a sudden I laughed but tears chased me.

"Are you crying?" She asked, her thumb catching a tear.

"Maybe," I said, smiling. I took her wrist in my hand and used my body to push her over onto her back. It wasn't until our roles had reversed that I could actually talk. I was staring down at her and breathing again like I was so used to doing before all the touching and the play.

The thought of her feeling lucky? I felt so soft all of a sudden but also so aware that she still didn't know.

"What?" She asked. I'd been looking down at her a while. I could die right now and be happy for my entire life. And she didn't know.

"I don't know how to say the things I'm feeling," I said.

"We have time," Karma said. I felt her hand on my cheek. Her eyes stared as she lovingly tried to comfort me. My eyes shut into her touch.

"Why do I always feel like there's not enough time?" My body, my heart, my mind, always running. For so long I felt like I was chasing her. Now we're here and this is happening but I still feel like I can't catch up like I can't catch my breath, like I can't find a space to relax. She just does things to me and it never stops.

My heart raced, my chest felt too tight. Looking down at her and waiting, I realized, I was irrationally anxious. Something about the touching and the way she fucked me, something was setting me off and making me freak out inside. I could barely hold myself up and I somehow felt my heart beating in my head.

 **Karma**

She was shaking like something had broken loose inside of her and I didn't know how to stop her from falling apart or even if I should. Maybe she needed it. I was always the one falling apart and letting my emotions go and Amy kept them wound around her like a ball of yarn.

If that was what she needed it would be safe to do it with me. It always had been but I can see why she wouldn't want to in the past. Now, I could catch her and hold her like I couldn't before.

Our wants and intentions were the same and even if there was a lot to figure out, this was the important part. Being there for her with everything I had. "It's okay," I murmured.

Her eyes shifted away from me and I followed them, not pulling my hand away. We were anchors in the world for each other. Everything had revolved around this friendship for so long that now I see that it had to change in some way.

It just happened to turn into something more. Just another added intimacy. The potential had been there and it might have been where it was going all along. I just had to wake up and see the possibilities. Change is scary and I was determined to go headfirst into the most frightening leap I'd ever taken.

 **Amy**

For whatever reason my emotional dams just decided that now was a great time to give way. Bullshit really. Why can't I just have a good time when it's finally allowed?

Karma held me. Out of frustration and irony I began to laugh again. But I couldn't stop shaking so I tried to ignore it just for now.

 **Karma**

I just steered her back toward the bed and sat us both down, letting her get it out. We had both been through a lot but our opposite natures meant we dealt with it in different ways. It was why we worked.

"Hey, you're fine." I pulled her close and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. She crumpled into me and I felt her breath on my neck. It made me shiver. "I know this has been crazy but I just want everything to be good now. We need a new start. Well, kind of. A start to this. And I never want you to doubt me again."

Her laughter wasn't the normal kind. It was just the stress release. I pursed my lips and tried my hardest not to start too but the compulsion was too much. My sides shook and a giggle escaped me until we were both laughing full tilt.

I fell back on the bed and she followed, stowing her head on my shoulder. "I can't believe this is happening," I got out through heavy breaths and laughs.

 **Amy**

"Me neither," I smiled wildly. Somewhere between dinner and now I sort of lost it emotionally. I mean, by now, that was entirely clear. Not gonna lie, I sorta feel like a crazy person. Karma's holding me and she's really trying, which is nice, but still… I just sort of hate this feeling. It isn't me.

I'm just so used to Karma being the one chasing me down, looking to me for comfort. I'm so used to taking care of her and just sort of not stressing out when she's in front of me and all messed up over this thing or that. She has just never had a calm period. Not to say I've always needed to be the strong one but who knows? I can't really rule that all out.

Within the last year or so she's gotten so unbelievably worse when it comes to stress and problems and nerves. Kinda makes me wonder what it is about her I love so much? It may actually be her insecurity but I dunno. How fucked up is that? I don't want to think...Like I feel bad usually. I feel bad that she's so confused and I'm not. But I also feel good that I get to be the one she needs. I want that. It feels wrong to...

It's hard for me to think about. Hard yet impossible.

Lately though, it's just been so different. Lately, I've been unraveling. Lately I've been secretly breaking down, secretly stressing, and secretly filled with these thoughts I'm not used to having, not in any way. Every now and then I can't take it. Every now and then I'm in a moment like this and it all just sort of envelopes me. I can't escape it. I'm overcome.

I'm just so not used to her being this thing that's unintentionally breaking me down.

Especially right now when she's the one trying to keep me together.

 **Karma**

I felt whole again. Amy was with me, really with me now. There was some discomfort here and there but it had to be the newness. It would be worked out in time. We both had to get used to things being a little different.

I finally really knew what being on top of the world was like. It wasn't just a phrase that people used anymore. Physically, I was laying on a bed in Amy's room but emotionally I was so high in the sky that it would take a missile to take me down.

I couldn't get rid of the grin on my face and the giddiness I was feeling. I rolled over, half on top of Amy. "You know, I think I know why I liked pretending to be with you so much. I was just too dumb to realize it." I wanted to shake myself, to wake up and make sure that this was real, but I wasn't asleep.

I reached out, running a hand through Amy's hair. She looked up and I almost imploded from the sight of her. Again, it was so different from anyone else and the more I settled into this feeling, the more I realized what being in love felt like.

You can know something but until you feel it understanding it is impossible. I was in love with Amy Raudenfeld. Completely and utterly head over heels, deep in the forest, pathetically in love. I just prayed she didn't resent me for taking so long.

 **Amy**

"What?" I laughed. Only, when I laughed this time I felt like I could barely breathe. Karma always looked at me with this sort of awe. But right now, something about the way she stared was just so much more intense.

It made me want to scream _**I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU!**_ _**YOU'RE MINE!**_ And how ridiculous is that?! How ridiculous would that be?! I guess all those stupid cavemen cartoons got it right. In this very instant I was the very equivalent in thinking to one of those thuggish brainless loin-cloth bearing men who would drag their helpless women back to their caves to keep them forever and ever and ever.

That _**too**_ made me laugh.

Instead of screaming like a brainless oaf, I squeezed my eyelids within an inch of closing and growled at her as I flipped her over to stare down at her again and trap her beneath me.

"What took you so long?" I asked cheekily, more as a joke than anything else. I saw something behind her eyes as her smile faded just a little bit before coming back and filling me again with love and joy.

"Don't answer that," I shook it off, bending down to kiss her and forget about that painful time in which she couldn't feel what I was feeling. "I love you so much," I spoke breathlessly.

I felt her hand in mine. I slowly played with her fingers, feeling how soft and sweaty both our hands were and sighing as I felt her body beneath mine so perfect in every way.

 **Karma**

When she kissed me it was perfect. Just like everything I'd hoped being with someone I loved would be. Only it wasn't the person I'd expected. It took me by surprise the force with which she flipped me and took me in.

She was being possessive and it was thrilling. Until she reminded me that I was a blind idiot. I let the mortification pass and it was replaced by the sense of her on top of me, holding me down but in a soft way.

Our hands came together and she played with my fingers. I moved mine in turn and I smiled, biting down on my lip from the sensations she created in me.

We could be like this for hours and I wouldn't be bored. I wanted her to take the lead now. It felt right to give over control to her. "So, now what are you going to do with me?"

 **Amy**

 _Did she really just say that?_

My heart skipped two beats before starting up again and beating harder.

"You probably shouldn't tease me," I warned. Looking down at her I knew I wanted her much too badly to allow her to torture me without consequence.

But my mind was still remembering how emotionally wrecked I was and how careful I should be with myself given everything.

"I think I should calm down," I smiled shakily. "You make me like a crazy person.

"I do no so thing," she said cheekily, pushing her hand at my side and leading me to relax.

"No, you do," I said. "You know you do."

I laid back on the bed and closed my eyes. Karma's body at my side and her hand at my stomach kept my heart at a rapid beat.

"I want to kiss you all the time," I said. It was all I could think.

 **Karma**

She was careful. Treating us like glass, really thin glass. I wish she would stop because it made me feel even worse. All I wanted was to give her everything that I couldn't before. I was eager but that should make her see that I wanted this.

"Come on Amy,"I prodded. "You know you want to…" I shifted back and gave her a long gaze. "Or do you want to?" Suddenly, the question seemed so real and so relevant.

My eyes strayed to the pillow behind her head. "Do you still want me?" Tears threatened to surface and I held my breath to keep them back. There wasn't much I could do to avoid it though. I'm a cryer. All of this could have just been Amy thinking that she must still be in love with me but in reality she moved on.

If so, I was going to lose it but maybe I deserved that after what I put her through. I rolled off of her, putting space between us. The comforter was as familiar and soft as always under my hands as I scooted but my skin felt so cold. I shivered and swallowed hard, waiting for her next words.

 **Amy**

What?

I rolled over, covering her skin with my own.

"Of course," I said, the whole of me seeming to leave my body if only for a moment.

How could she even think?

"Why would you ask that?"

My world felt confusing and sick all of a sudden. Was I mixing things up? Was I the confusing one?

I didn't think so. I really didn't think so. But I had pushed her away and I had freaked out and possibly freaked her out.

My lips moved to her shoulder and I let them kiss her there.

"I want you so much I can't stand it," I said. "It's just hard to think that we can be this way when I'd thought for so long that we couldn't. Does that make any sense?"

 **Karma**

 **I** shrugged a shoulder and bit my bottom lip. It was my fault again. My dumb blindness lead us here. "I guess. Yeah. I know it's scary." I looked up to find her sad eyes staring back at me. "I'm scared too, Amy. I feel like I don't deserve you. I guess I don't after everything but I want this and I don't want you to wake up in a week and realize that you were really over me and just thought that you still wanted me."

This was the first time we had really talked like this in awhile. The confusion, pain, and distance had cut our formerly enviable communication down to almost nill. "But I guess that's just a chance I have to take." I reached out and tugged at the hem of her tshirt. "Just promise me that you'll let me down easy if it turns out that you do feel that way?"

She meant what she was saying. I knew that but after she confessed her feelings I always had to wonder if she really loved me or just felt safest with me and didn't want to lose that. My own demons at work.

Amy pulled me in, both hands resting on the sides of my face. "I'm in love with you and that's not going to change."

I couldn't help but grin, her hands warming my cheeks and making me want to smother her in at least one million kisses. "Okay," I said. "And for the record. I love you too. In a not just friends way."


End file.
